


Feel something

by ShardsOfNormality



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Relationships, Fluff, Homophobia, I will list warnings before chapters, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mad Bants, Mental Health Issues, Not All Doom and Gloom, Parental Abuse, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Smut, Tags May Change, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-02-21 22:27:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13153311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShardsOfNormality/pseuds/ShardsOfNormality
Summary: Dan is an anti-social, godless Christian who is terrified to make friends because he is convinced everyone worth loving will end up lost to him. Phil is a carefree popular kid who rolls with the punches and pretends to love everyone because as he figures, the more you have, the less it matters when you lose someone.They are on opposite sides of the world till they are not.So, when they end up seated next to each other in English class on the first day of school it triggers a whirlwind of events that suck up and spit out everything that either of them had ever known.When Dan and Phil meet, they don’t realize that the other will change everything.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi my name is Rose and I have never written a story before so sorry if it sucks. I’m all for constructive criticism though so please feel free to leave me a comment to tell me how I can improve. I would also like to apologise for any possible inaccuracies in the story, particularly when dealing with things such as depression and anxiety. These things come in all shapes and forms and everybody experiences things differently, so some problems the character’s face are based off what I have felt but some I have had to presume. I don’t want to offend anyone. Another inaccuracy may be the school system. I’m Australian so I have no idea about how school works over in England. Despite researching it, for some reason, I could not fully grasp how the education system works over the pond so I’m gonna go ahead and apologise for that. 
> 
> Because this is a high school AU I have had to change some things to fit in the story, so Dan and Phil are the same age in this and Martyn is older than Phil then he is in real life. Of course, there will be more changes but I will point them out as I go. 
> 
> As for the update schedule, my goal is to update once a week on the same day (I will warn you if that day changes), but I’m not making any promises.
> 
> warnings: alcohol and implied drug use.

 

The party was still going at full speed. The music was turned up to an unholy level, drowning out the sound of chatter from surrounding people to the point of incoherency. Phil felt like he was underwater, the sounds around him were a distant echo in his mind, he was calm. How he managed to feel calm in a place like this? He didn’t know, probably too much alcohol and drugs.

His peace was disrupted by a sharp shove from his right, jolting him into reality, the roar of sounds once again finding his ears. Adjusting to his surroundings, Phil scans the crowd for his friends but comes back with nothing, vaguely remembering the one he was with abandoning him to find some chick, and the girl he was talking to had vanished as well.

Phil dangled his red plastic cup dangerously in the air like he was daring it to fall. His head was spinning and he could already feel a migraine about to crash on him like a wave. His mind screamed at him to get out. Bile began to rise within his throat as he began to clamber through the masses of people towards the door, but not before he caught a glance of what he looked like in a mirror.

He resembled something like a zombie. His hair was dishevelled and there was a stain on his shirt that he didn't recall getting, let alone what it was. His eyes looked bloodshot and tired and his face was flushed. It hardly looked like him. Phil frowned in disgust, trying to flatten his hair before wrapping his long, thin fingers around the doorknob and swinging it open and stumbling out.

The cool English air hit him like a brick, but he felt considerably better once be had taken a deep breath of it in. There was a dangerous moment when the world started tilt before Phil turned his back on the house and plopped down on the grass, suddenly finding great interest in the liquid at the bottom of his cup. He threw his head up and sculled the rest of his drink, ignoring the alarms in his head telling him to listen to his better judgment. He had been ignoring a lot lately.

Phil felt the tears threaten to surface but he pushed them back. He wasn't going to let anyone see him cry on his last day in Rawtenstall, he wasn't going to let himself lose the persona he had spent so long building. Phil let out a distressed cry and threw his empty cup of alcohol into a nearby bush and flopped down on the ground. He should be inside, where the party is and with his friends, but he just felt tired and weak.

Phil checked his phone to see it was past 3 am already.

“Probably should go home,” Phil mumbled to himself as he sluggishly began to call a taxi. Once he was finished he reached for the off button, ready to go tell his friends he was going only for his phone off his screen lit up with an incoming call. Phil rolled his eyes when he saw that it was from his mum. He had no interest in talking to her, and if he did they would probably just end up shouting at each other. That’s all they seemed to do lately.

It was a month ago when his parents had told him he was going to move to Wokingham to stay with his older brother Martyn. Martyn moved to Wokingham almost immediately after graduating uni to settle down with his wife. He runs a successful business and is everything Phil’s parents wanted out of a child, and while they were hesitant about him moving so far away, they adored Cornelia and weren’t going to shoot down her idea. His parents wanted Phil to be like his brother, so when he started acting up this was their best solution.

_Popularity. Prestige_

Phil had wanted to take a course in filmmaking, he wanted to learn about cameras and how to film but his parents were having none of it. They wanted him to learn business like his brother, or at least something that “was not a silly little hobby” to put it in their words. Phil of course refused, and that along with the late nights he would spend out partying and getting drunk pushed his mother to the edge. She decided to send him off so he could have a fresh start.

Admittedly he had some problems, but he didn't realize his parents would think to ship him halfway across England to stay with family he never really got along with would fix the problem. Either way, it was happening and Phil was powerless.

He threw his phone down on the grass next to him and lay down, utterly unsatisfied with how the night went. He would have preferred his friends would have paid more attention to him, after all, they would never see him again. His stomach started to churn again when he realized that in just over 12 hours he will be on a plane, travelling away from everything he knew.

“fuck you and your stupid expectations!” Phil shouted into the night sky, momentarily attracting the attention of bypasses. he didn't normally swear but he felt like the situation merited it.

Maybe if there was a chance that is parents would have reconsidered he would have stayed home tonight and spent his last day in Rawtenstall with them. Phil tried not to think of their disappointed faces when he gets back. They stopped worrying about where he was late at night a while ago.

_‘how did this even happen to me.’_

Phil’s nausea was building back up again and Phil doubled over and threw up, leaving whatever was in his stomach on the grass. He shrivelled his nose in discuss and rolled away from the mess and closer to the curb. He listened to the thud of the music and the sound of yelling, chattering and the occasional sound of something smashing in the distance. same old, same old. _How dull._

Then why did he do it? why did he jump at the first opportunity to party, why did he drink with what had to be at least 20 people tonight? It’s not his fault that drinking and getting high off his arse is the only thing that makes it bearable. Well maybe not the only thing but it was the better option. At least 2 years ago his parents had been more relaxed about what subjects he did, but now he felt insignificant and unfulfilled. Phil just lay down and listened to the sound of cars swooshing by and gazed up at the night sky.

And so, the taxi came and went and 4 am found 17-year-old Phil passed out on the ground, his phone buzzing not far off, no one bothering to wake him up.

 

Far away at a different party in a different town halfway across the country, a boy is kissing another boy for the first time. Both are drunk and god knows they needed to be to have the confidence to do it. That is how Dan ends up forcing himself to push Jason away (despite how good it felt) and leaving the poor guy alone in the empty hallway.

He desperately hopes that no one saw and in the end, no one did, but he watches the same guy who he had kissed and had seen at church for his whole life get kicked out of his home and shipped away to his grandparents when he came out. All the while Dan stays quiet and agonizingly sits there while his parents say how sorry they felt for the parents, who had birthed a sin. Obviously, Dan didn't have a problem with people liking the same sex, but his conclusion was that he could never love anyone who wasn't a girl if he wanted his family to accept him.

The boy who lays drunk in the grass for the hundredth time and the boy who is vowing to himself that he will never let anyone get close to him could not be further apart. They are strangers and they don’t meet tonight or the night after that for that matter. Phil Lester remains in Rawtenstall for the rest of the day and Dan Howell stays in Wokingham, but life goes on to spin circumstances that eventually accumulate to them sitting next to each other in English three months later.

They don’t meet now, but they will.


	2. chapter 1

_Three months later_ -

 

The first-time Dan and Phil met was, surprisingly enough, at a party.

 

There was a look of content on Dan’s face as he added the finishing touches to his lengthy English essay. It was the last Friday night before school started up again and all Dan wanted to do was curl up in bed and sleep. Instead, he was currently sitting on his bed with his laptop balanced precariously on his knee while he typed. He was still on summer break but his parent had decided to set a “fun” essay for him to write so he was ready for school and to “keep him out of trouble.”

 

Dan looked up in surprise when his phone made a chime. Sighing, he gingerly reached across the bed and scooped up his device from the blankets.

 

**[10.54pm] Chris:** hey Dan come get me from this party

 

Chris was his best (and only) friend. He had taken notice of Dan when he had first moved schools and had kindly sat with him at lunches and in every class they had together. It was as simple as that. Over the years, a close bond formed between the two, one that Dan has been unable to duplicate with someone else. They knew where they stood with each other, and it was an easy and comfortable friendship. Chris was one of the only people he felt like he could be himself around. The only main difference between them was that Chris had other friends, and Dan didn’t.

 

Unfortunately, for some reason, Chris had texted him instead of some of his many other friends, despite knowing how he felt about parties.

 

‘ _Unless it's just a ploy to lure me to this party.’_ Dan thought.

 

He had been trying to get him to come, but Dan had turned him down saying that he had an English essay to write and his parents probably wouldn’t let him go anyway (both points were true so he wasn't exactly lying) and Chris had just rolled his eyes.

 

Just as Dan was about to put his phone down the screen lit up and Dan was given no choice but to answer the call. Quickly he lifted the phone up to his ear.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hey Dan, you answered!” Chris said, slurring his words.

 

Dan couldn't believe his ears.

 

“You’re drunk!”

 

“Obviously.”

 

“Seriously Chris, why would you even….” Dan let out a sigh as his head lulled back and his gaze found the ceiling. This is not what he wanted to be dealing with. “You know what never mind, why did you call me?”

 

“Cause I went to leave, but now I'm lost.”

 

“You have lived here for literally your whole life, how do you even get lost in your hometown?”

 

“Please can you come get me?” he pleaded.

 

Dan considered his options, but much to his devastation he found that he didn't really have a choice with this one, it wasn't like he could just leave him.

 

Dan let out a reluctant sigh as he answered. “Fine I will, but can you find your way back to the party?”

 

“Yeah, do you want me to go back there?”

 

“That will make it easier, just wait outside for me so I can find you quickly.”

 

Chris mumbled something that Dan couldn't make out before hanging up. He prayed that Chris would do what he said, so Dan wouldn't have to spend hours trying to find him. Dan clambered out of his bed and into his well air-conditioned room. It wasn't even ten but he was exhausted, his parents made him go to bed at 9 or _else_. He had no intention of finding out what or else meant but during the holidays Dan found he could wait until his parents were asleep and then pull out the laptop without being overly tired in the morning. He tended to avoid doing this during the school year because he had to get up early.

 

After rummaging through his drawer for a while he came away with black jeans and a plain black top (such variety) and decided on the best way to get out of the house without his parents knowing. It had been a long time since he had snuck out of the house, he hadn't really had much of a reason to.

 

_‘Jesus Christ I am a sad human being.’_

 

His mum and dad were strict religious parents who over the years, had produced many rules, an early curfew and bedtime for their son to ensure he would stay out of trouble. They would have killed him if they knew if he snuck out.

 

They weren't bad people but they liked things to be their way whenever possible. Dan would normally have a long list of chores waiting for him when he got home from school, his mother watching over him with the eye of a hawk. he was expected to have straight A’s and would rarely be allowed go out after school to hang out. Dan had generally just complied because he had no intention of finding out what punishment is parents would install for him if they found out if he did something wrong.

 

Now he was older he could kind of understand why his parents had all these rules, they were looking after him, right? Or maybe it was just because Dan had no reason to break them anymore, it's not like he would go out with friends ever, and the chores, well they kept him busy when he had nothing else to do. Either way Dan never really bothered to consider it, and as much as a pain in the arse his parents could be they were still his parents, and Dan wanted to impress them. Even though it was becoming increasingly harder. Dan was a good kid, he knew it and his parents knew it.

 

Sure, he had his faults but he didn't do half the shit some teenagers did. Despite this his parents always seemed to think that he was going to do something bad, to _disrespect_ them or something.

 

Dan decided just to go through the front door, he really didn't feel like climbing down the tree by his window. The fear of getting caught ate way at him as he crept through the house, only pushed along by the fact it would be a really dick move to leave his friend.

 

_‘Yeah, you’re just helping a friend, what are the chances they will get you in_ too _much trouble?’_ Dan thought.

 

The answer, of course, was very, _very_ high. But with more pitiful texts from Chris, and his Dads loud snore coming from his bedroom, Dan was able to convince himself otherwise as he opened the door and slipped out of the house. 

 

It took 20 minutes for Dan to make it to the party, and he didn't have to worry about having the wrong house. There was quite visibly a party going on, loud music was blaring from somewhere in the property, and people were milling outside the house clutching red plastic cups full of alcohol. All of them were laughing deliriously and kissing, oh and there was a guy throwing up in a bush.

 

Dan could not be more out of his element, in fact, he was just about ready to curl up into a ball and die. He felt uncomfortable just standing there awkwardly, but there was no way he was going inside. Not after last time. 

 

_‘Why am I even here right now?’_

 

_‘wait’_

 

Dan was meant to find Chris. Actually no, Chris was meant to be waiting here for him. Dan once again quickly scanned the house, this time looking for his friend but came up with nothing.

 

“Shit” he mumbled, running his hands through his hair in alarm.

 

Chris was either still on his way back, tried to get back but got lost or he had made it back but had gone inside, but as the minutes ticked by it seemed more and more likely that it was one of the latter. Dan desperately hoped it wasn't, the last thing he wanted to do was to go inside the house and into the party. Everything was just so chaotic and loud in there and those where Dan’s least favourite things. As if on cue a loud cry came from the house that sounded suspiciously like Chris’s.

 

“Fuck it, I have no choice but to go in.” he convinced himself, albeit unconvincingly. He started to march towards the house, only slightly derailed by the girl who gazed at him with a disturbed look etched on her face as if he had just been talking to himself.

 

Oh, wait.

 

Dan reached for the door and turned the doorknob and swung the door open only to be immediately pummelled by one outrageously drunk guy, who turned to cry out to his friend before tripping on nothing and falling on his arse, his obviously sober friend came and helped him up before giving Dan an apologetic look. At least he won't be the only one who doesn’t want to be there.

 

Once in the house, Dan was met with the stifling heat of too many bodies crammed into too small of a space. As he pushed past the people crowding the doorway he was hit with a gross wave of déjà vu as he recalled the last time he was in a setting like this, and balled his hands into fists at his sides. He needed to get out of here as soon as possible.

 

Dan did his best to stick edges of the room and avoid the couples who had retreated to the wall to make out. With great effort, he made his way to the stairs for a better viewpoint to spot his friend. Turns out he didn't need to as Chris was currently standing on a table looking like he was having a fucking fantastic time while Dan was squashed in the corner.

 

After a moment of hesitation, Dan bravely stepped into the sea of people, thankful for his height making it hard for people to shove him out of the way. He waded through the room full of sweaty bodies until he got to Chris, mumbling apologies as he did. Dan tugged on his sleeve to get his attention (thankfully he was no longer on the table) and he turned to face Dan.

 

“You're here!” Chris exclaimed.

 

“Wait why _are_ you here?”

 

Chris was slurring so bad that Dan almost couldn't tell what he was saying.

 

“I came here to get you, you called me remember!” Dan yelled over the chaos.

 

The confused look on his face indicated that was not the case. Dan was tired and just wanted to go home, the loud music and masses of sweaty bodies making him anxious, so he just grabbed Chris’s wrist and dragged him towards the door, ignoring his futile complaints. They staggered out the door and into the front garden, and by this point, Chris had stopped complaining and resorted to leaning precariously on his friend. They didn’t even make it to the footpath before a distressed Chris started mumbling profusely again, pushing away from Dan and almost stumbling over.

 

Dan quickly moved to steady Chris again “What’s wrong? Are you hurt or something?”

 

Chris shook his head as he put his hands in his pockets and then brought them out again, displaying his empty palms to Dan

 

“My keys!”

 

“What about them?” Dan asked, tone laced with confusion.

 

“they’re gone!” Chris exclaimed, looking overly forlorn for what he had lost.

 

Dan sighed in despair for what had to be the 5th time that night “Are you kidding me Chris, I can’t believe this, please tell me you at least know where they are?”

“They should be in the first bedroom upstairs on the left.” Chris answered, and despite his drunken state still understood what Dan’s raised eyebrow was implying. “Piss off, I was just in there with some friends to find a quiet place to talk.”

 

Dan laughed at Chris’s defensiveness. “Whatever you say Chris, just stay here and I will be back in a second. You owe me one.” Dan warned

 

And regretfully, for a second time that night Dan stepped inside the house and into the party, feeling just as uncomfortable as last time. Dan had no intentions on walking into a room were two of his fellow classmates having sex, so when he had found what he had hoped was the right bedroom he pressed his ear up to the door and listened for any sounds. Much to his despair, the commotion around him blocked out any noise from the room. After a brief moment of panic he resorted to knocking on the door, but before he could do so the door swung open to reveal a semi-naked figure

 

The boy before him had bright blue eyes, jet black hair and the brightest smile Dan had ever seen.

 

_'He's fucking beautiful. Like the bloody sun or something.'_ Was all Dans brain could manage at that moment.

 

The black-haired boy looked stunned for a moment before he collected himself “Oh, umm… we were just finishing up here so if you wanted the room….” The boy trailed off uncertainly, his accent distinctly northern. Dan was doing nothing to help the situation, frozen in embarrassment as his cheeks started to heat up. If the flushed cheeks, messy hair, swollen lips and bare chest were anything to go by, Dan had definitely caught this guy post-sex. This was not an experience that he would share with anyone, _ever._ Dan snapped back to reality when he started to speak again.

 

“Are you looking for something?”

 

Dan was about to shake his head when his mind started to catch up and he remembered that yes, he was looking for something.

 

“Actually yeah,” Dan stammered, cursing himself for not being able to hold it together, how the hell was he supposed to talk to the guy with a straight face. “My friend lost his keys. Have you seen them?”

 

Dan saw recognition flitter across the boy’s face before he disappeared into the room. With the absence of the body previously filling the door, Dan was able to peer further into the room, spotting an exhausted figure collapsed in bed. The mysterious boy returns moments later with Chris’s keys in hand. “Are these them?” He asked, holding them out so Dan could get a better look.

 

Dan sighed in relief at the sight of the familiar keys. “Yeah that’s them,” he said as he seized them from his hand “Thank you so much.”

 

The guy looked like he was about to say something before he was interrupted by his name being called by a distinctly male voice from inside the room. Dan’s face got even redder. Apparently, this guy had just realised how flustered Dan was as, he let out a breezy laugh and smirked at him, before winking flirtatiously and closing the door as he retreated into the room. Dan was left gaping at the place where the lanky figure had been previously standing as he tried to calm the heck down. Once Dan had to collect himself, he decided that the best course of action was to get the hell out of there.

 

As Dan heaved a much happier Chris away from the party he realized he had heard the guy’s name.

 

“Phil.”

 

It took a second to recognize the name. Phil’s name had been mentioned around the school multiple times before he went break. He had made himself known at a party one guy from Dan's schools threw and apparently, he was a bit of a wild child. He was a hit with the girls (and apparently some guys, he was very open about how he was pansexual) and wasn't afraid to get drunk or high as a kite.

 

Everyone had heard about him. He had become legendary, already at the top of the social ladder and he hadn't even started school. You would be cool for just talking to him, which was weird, because, for every positive whisper about Phil, there would be two negative whispers. Of course, some people would just be jealous of his popularity, but everyone knew that Phil was just chaos walking and if you wanted somewhat of a normal life you would stay away from him.

 

Most teenagers didn't want a normal life.

 

Because Dan’s first thought was how much Phil was like the sun.

 

As Phil closed the door on the devastatingly embarrassed brown-haired boy, he couldn’t help but think how adorable his warm eyes, slightly curled hair and flushed cheeks were.

 

Both destroyed the whispers in their head before they had even finished forming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> notes: I will try to update this on Saturdays now since it is a good day for me atm, and I finally have a rough plot for this story which makes it a lot easier to write now I know where I need to end up. Please feel free to leave a comment because it's greatly appreciated!


	3. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: Child abuse, anxiety

It was quiet around the dinner table, and Dan sat there in silence, gently prodding his food with his fork and making no attempt at conversation. This was a common occurrence in the Howell residence. They didn’t talk that much, unlike many families. They would say grace and Dan’s parents would discuss their day, sometimes including Dan, but eventually they ran out of things to talk about, the conversation running dry.

“So how was your day Daniel? Did you do anything fun?” Dan’s mother asked, shattering the silence Dan had been happily basking in. He cringed at the use of his name, he much preferred to go by Dan.

Dan shifted in his seat to seem more attentive before clearing his throat to answer. “As good as the first day of school can get I guess, I have Chris in most of my classes again, so at least I will know someone.”

He stopped and waited for his parent's answer but when it didn’t come he continued “I like all my teachers I've had so far, I think I will do well this year.”

His mother nodded slowly, taking all the information in.

“Is that so?” She replied, her tone chillingly accusatory. The atmosphere of the room shifted.

Dan’s stomach dropped, why did his mother sound like that? As far as he could remember he hadn’t done anything wrong.

“yeah, that- “

Dan was cut off by a loud banging at the door before he could finish his sentence. His father began to get up but Dan shot up before him.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get it.”

The last thing he wanted was to be left with his mother and this weird line of questioning.

His father nodded at him before settling back down into his seat and relief flooded through Dan. Dan quickly hurried away, relishing in the absence of the awkward tension that had seemed to swallow the conversation. Dan turned into his dimly lit hallway, frowning at the absence of light. _‘that’s weird’_ the light was almost always on. “This night just keeps getting weirder” Dan, murmured as he brushed through his house. He continued to stride down the hall, not pausing for a moment, at least that was until he reached for the door.

The minute his hands grasped the door knob his blood ran cold and he froze, unable to move. Dread. That was the only word for what he felt. But why? There was nothing wrong. But for whatever reason he couldn’t will himself to open the door, instead, he just stood there, staring at his motionless hand. Dan could feel the thumping of his heart against his chest as his mouth dried up and his breathing becomes ragged. Panic was starting to manifest within him.

_‘What’s going on! why is my hand being so fucking stupid why can’t I move it!’_

Dan was panicking, and he needed to stop before it got worse. His hands shook at the thought, he had had a panic attack before and it wasn’t pretty, nor did he feel like ever having one again. _‘Think, think of something nice, everything is ok, just breath.’_

Dan never got to because his chain of thought was broken abruptly by a second loud banging, this one sounding more urgent and sending Dan twenty meters off the ground in surprise.

“Hurry up and get the door son, we wouldn’t want to keep whoever it is waiting!” Dan’s dad called out from the other room, annoyance painting his tone. “Why are you taking so long anyway?”

Dan opened his mouth to answer but nothing came out, his throat tight and breaths coming out short.

“This is just ridiculous” his dad huffed from the other room, and Dan just whimpered at the sound of a chair being scraped against the floor as his father got up. Suddenly the idea of his father getting the door seemed infinitely worse, but Dan was on a timer and he didn’t have any other choice, either he was going to open the door or his dad was. It took him less than a second to decide. His fingers wrapped around the door knob and he yanked it open.

Dan couldn’t decide whether the sight before him was the best it could have possibly been or the worse. Jason stood outside his door. His blond head of hair was in a tangle, cheeks flushed and his honey brown eyes looked tired and miserable like he had been crying. His arms were wrapped around his torso and Dan had never seen him look so venerable.

Dan wanted nothing more than to pull Jason into a hug but the approaching footsteps of his father were more than enough to remind Dan exactly why Jason couldn’t be in his arms.

“What are you doing here?!” Dan hissed, wincing at his own words. He hadn’t meant for it to seem so harsh.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry but I had nowhere else to go and I really…. I just need someone.” He pleaded, his voice barely a whisper.

“But you know you can’t come here, my parents are just as bad as yours!”

“I’m sorry, I just-“

“Please just go, I will talk to you later” Dan mumbled quietly. His voice seemed hollow as it echoed through the empty hallway, and Dan almost couldn’t believe it was his.

Almost.

Fear bubbled inside at the sound of his father’s footsteps rounding the corner.

Dan gulped. What would his dad think if he saw his son talking to the boy that they had so many rude conversations about at the dinner table, his reaction would be anything but good right?

Dan started to close the door on his teary friend when he felt a hand wrap around his wrist preventing him from doing so. He glared at Jason and tugged his arm away, but is grip didn’t loosen. Dan’s glared faltered when he saw the venomous grin that Jason was giving him. He had never seen him look like that, in fact, I wasn’t aware that Jason’s face was capable of such a look, but Dan didn’t question it, a lot of weird things had happened today.

“Daniel, who is at the door?” a stern voice came from behind him.

_‘Shit it’s too late.’_

“nobody da- “

“Why is he here?” my dad questioned, his voice dangerously low.

“I don’t know he just turned up.” Dan muttered, looking at the floor and ignoring the look of betrayal on Jason’s face.

His Dad gave Dan a sweeping look before turned all his attention on Jason. “Let go of my son I don’t want him to end up like you.” He growled, “someone like you isn’t welcome in our home!”

Jason’s eyes flicked between Dan and his father like he was planning something. Dan was feeling uneasy, it hadn’t even crossed his mind that Jason could rat him out. It would be so unlike him, but it hadn’t even occurred to Dan that it was a possibility. Jason held Dan’s future in his hands.

“It doesn’t matter anyway.” Jason sneered, gesturing at the hand grasping Dan’s wrist. “He’s already gay, your too late!”

Dan’s blood went cold and time seemed to slow, he felt sick, this was it. Jason had betrayed him but he couldn’t bring himself to be angry. _‘Shit, shit, shit this is it, your fucked, they are going to find out and they are going to kick you out an- ‘_

“what’s going on here?”

A third voice ripped him out of his thoughts. At some point, his mother had come down the hallway to see what the commotion was and Dan hadn’t even noticed _. ‘Now the whole family’s here, isn’t this just peachy.’_

“This boy is here making wild accusations about our son, he is saying Daniel is gay.” Dan’s Father spat, sending Jason a venomous glare.

His mum's eyes were wide with fear, and it took every inch of will to stop himself from rolling his eyes at his parent's behavior. They acted like they were all high and mighty because they do what the bible says, but here they are yelling at a teenage boy they don’t even know, how could they think this was the right thing.

“It’s not true, is it Daniel?” His mother whispered, her eyes shining with tears. Dan couldn’t understand why someone cared so much about this.

Dan opened his mouth to deny Jason’s accusation, but his throat seemed dry up, he couldn’t breathe, it felt like he was drowning. His fingernails dig into the soft flesh of his palms leaving crescent-shaped marks on his skin. All he needed to do was say no, even shake his head, and he would be fine. But every bone in Dan’s body seemed to freeze up and he there was nothing he could do.

“Right Daniel?” his mother croaked, seeming alarmed by the absence of a reply.

“Daniel! Stop messing around, you're scaring your mother, just tell us the truth.” His father Growled.

Dan slowly turned his head to look at Jason. His face was stretched into a smug grin and his eyes looking a lot less venerable then before. He knew I had no way out now, he even took a step back as if to get a better view of what was about to unfold.

“well- “

“So, you are like that then!” his father hollered, his eyes ablaze with rage.

“We raised you so well, what did we do deserve this” his mother was full on balling her eye out now, Dan could see tears running down her cheek.

Somewhere at the back of his mind alarm bells were going off.

“No mum, its ok I swear I'm exactly the same as bef- “ Dan fumbled, almost in hysterics. But Mr. Howell swept forward and balled up the front of Dan’s shirt with such velocity that he almost shook like a rag doll.

“Just get out of the house, we don’t want to see you again!” He hollered, before giving Dan one final shove. There was a moment he was airborne with only sound the rushing air filling his ears. He fell into Darkness.

Dan wakes up six feet under, lying in the dirt. He realizes he can’t breathe, chest heaving erratically as his lungs desperately strain for oxygen. Dread seeps into him, pulsating and sharp as a blade, cutting up his insides. Dan is being buried alive.

He stares up at the people looking down at him as they throw handfuls of dirt onto his body; His parents, of course. Chris, his best friend. Jason, staring down at him accusingly. His parent's friend whose name he couldn’t remember. And Phil. Phil fucking Lester. They stared and they judged. His vision blurred and he couldn’t think, his mind was buzzing with a jumble of emotions he couldn’t seem to piece together and the ringing in his head was just getting louder and louder and louder until he couldn’t stand it. He wanted it to stop. He wanted everything to stop. A ripple of hopelessness ran through Dan like a chill, leaving him hollow. He closed his eyes. It was so cold.

Dan shot up in bed, breathing heavily and drenched in sweat. He was met with the sight of his bedroom, streams of light were coming through gaps in the curtains and illuminated the room, the smell of breakfast wafting through the house. Dan put a shaking hand over his racing heart and shivered.

_‘It had only been a dream’_

But somehow that didn’t make Dan feel any better.

He reached over to his bedside table and turned his alarm off before it annoyed his parents, and leaned his head back onto his headrest and taking a deep breath. It was 7 am and he had school in two hours. It was his final year and he still didn’t know what he was doing with his life.

_‘God I am a mess.’_

Dan was tempted to just lie back in bed but as nice as that sounds it was only inviting his dreams from last night to come back and haunt him, so it was probably best he kept moving. Dan clambered out of bed and made his way over to his cupboard, fishing out his school uniform, and hanging the silver necklace with the cross pendant on it around his neck. Dan wanted nothing more than to ditch the thing, but it made his parents happy.

After a quick glance at the time, Dan gathered up his hair straighteners and got to work trying to tame his hobbit hair. His parents often shunned him for straightening his hair, saying it was too feminine and no man should be doing such thing but Dan had ignored their complaints and surprisingly enough they eventually gave up.

“Dan! Breakfast is ready!” came a shout from somewhere on the floor below. Dan sighed and after taking one final look at his appearance before walking down the stairs.

_

Dan was halfway through breakfast and him and his mum hadn’t said anything yet, and he thought a conversation was well overdue.

“So u-um, where is dad?” Dan asked, having noticed the absence at the table immediately. Dan cringed at how unsure his voice was.

Mrs. Howell didn’t bother to look up from the paper she was currently buried in.

“Speak up, you know I hate it when you mumble, I hope you don’t do that at school.” She snapped impatiently.

Dan clenched his fist to stop himself from rolling his eyes, successfully keeping the annoyed expression from his face.

“Sorry mum, I was asking where dad is?”

“Oh, he got a call from work and had to leave early, did you need anything from him?”

“No, sorry I was just wondering.”

Mrs. Howell nodded before continuing to read the paper, and the silence settled like a heavy blanket. Dan was calculating the odds of him being allowed to leave the table when Dan’s mum spoke up again.

“I’m confident that you will be doing well this term after all the study you did this holiday, for a moment I was worried that you would be slacking off.” Mrs. Howell commented, allowing her eyes to drift from her paper.

Now Dan really rolled his eyes.

“I got A’s in everything last year, I was unaware you thought I was slacking off.” Dan bit back, hoping his mum wouldn’t notice the shift in tone.

“We were very proud of you last year” Mrs. Howell began, the words warming Dan’s heart a little, at least until she continued “But it is your final year so you will be ahead, and besides, you never know when you are going to head off track and disrespect your father and I.”

This left Dan gaping, why did she always suspect the worst. _‘Jesus fucking Christ just give me a break!’_

“Yeah, of course, we wouldn’t want that.” Dan said as sincerely as he could manage in his current state of annoyance.

Mrs. Howell nodded thoughtfully before looking at her watch “Isn’t it time you head off to school.”

This once again left Dan gaping. “But school doesn’t start for another 45 minutes!”

“Well, it’s good to be early on your first day back.”

“Not this early” Dan pushed.

Mrs. Howell placed the paper down and raised an eyebrow. Dan gulped. “Don’t argue with me and go upstairs and get your bag, we don’t want to start the year off to a bad start.”

_‘I’m pretty sure it already has.’_

Dan knew arguing would just make it worst so he just gave her a short nod and headed up stairs to get his bag before going back downstairs and heading out the front door without another word from his mum.

_‘No good luck, not even a goodbye.’_ It hurt sometimes.

Looking back, it was his mother’s choice to make him leave so early that got the ball rolling.

It was sheer luck, (or misfortune, depending on how you look at it) that Dan began his short walk to school at this early hour, plugging in his headphones to block out the world. The peace was only momentary though because Dan had a bad habit of looking at the ground when walking to avoid awkward eye contact but it also made him incredibly susceptible to bumping into people. So, with both eyesight and hearing not in play, Dan didn’t get a chance to avoid the tall boy sprinting down the street and into him.

Luckily Dan stumbled back into a fence and managed to keep upright, but the other boy wasn’t nearly as fortunate and fell to the ground like a brick.

Dan mumble a half-arsed apology while dusting off his clothes, it wasn’t until he looked at who had run into him did he realise how much he had truly fucked up.

_‘Well shit.’_

Because there, scrambling to pick up his books, was Phil, this year’s popular kid. And Dan had already made an enemy of him.

“U-um I’m sorry! I swear didn’t mean to!” Dan squeaked, cursing himself for how weak he sounded. Dan was filled with horror when suddenly remembered why he recognized Phil. He could already feel his face heating up again, but when Phil turned his attention back to Dan there didn’t seem to be an inkling of recognition. It seemed like the world might be momentarily on his side again.

Phil waved a hand at him and Dan was sure he would leave this with a black eye but instead Phil opened his mouth and started talking.

“No worries, it’s my fault for running. Anyway, I got to go, so….”

Phil gestured towards where he was going and Dan just nodded, watching him take a step in the other direction and yelling in pain.

“Mother _fluffer_ ” Phil yelled, crumpling to the ground and clutching his ankle, and Dan let out a breathy laugh at the unusual use of censoring, before realising he should probably help.

“Shit I’m so sorry, are you ok?” Dan asked, crouching down beside Phil and trying to seem like he was not terrified at the prospect of getting beaten to death. “Do you need help or anything?”

Phil let out a laugh that quickly turned into a pained hiss “Don’t worry about it, like I said it was my fault, but if you could, you know,” Phil gestured to Dan’s arms, then proceeded to give a much more genuine laugh at Dan’s confused face. “Can you give me a hand, I don’t think I can get up myself.”

Dan felt his face flush at his stupidly and quick grabbed Phil’s hands to help him up. Once they were standing Phil wrapped an arm around Dan’s shoulder, causing Dan to flinch. Dan watched as Phil tentatively took a step forward and slowly applied weight to the injured foot, before shaking his head.

“I don’t think I can walk by myself, can you help me get to school?” Phil asked, beaming at Dan despite his injured ankle.

Dan felt anxiety building in his chest, inflating like a balloon and pressing against his rib cage. Walking Phil Lester to the school? That sounded like his biggest nightmare, but he couldn’t just say no. Dan did his best to put his worry aside and conjured up a smile.

“Yeah, sure.” Dan said as he adjusted his grip on Phil. “How did you know we went to the same school anyway?”

Phil’s smile widened “Well, first of all, you were heading the same direction as me, secondly, there is only one high school in this area.”

Dan felt his face flush more than before “Yeah sorry. That was stupid of me.” He said, turning to face the front again. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Phil smile again.

_‘Does he ever stop smiling’_

They continued their walk in an awkward silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been really busy with family this week and haven't had much time to write, so sorry if this seems rough. When I first started this fic I was worried that I wouldn't have any motivation to write anything, but it turns out I really enjoy the whole process of planning and then writing, so I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing this. I already have a couple more chapters planned out! Please leave a comment for feedback because I have no what you guys think, and they always motivate me to write more!


	4. chapter 3

Dan frowned down at his new timetable as Chris chatted from beside him. Dan had turned up to school still a little shaken from the Phil situation, hardly believing he managed to escape without a bleeding nose. Phil actually seemed nice, but it wasn’t like it mattered, he wouldn’t talk to him again. He had dropped Phil off at the office and then made his way to the gym and had been given their timetable only minutes ago. Since then he had found that he had only had Art with Chris. He couldn’t help but be disappointed.

 

“I can't believe I don’t have more classes with you, like last year half our classes were the same and now this! Bullshit.” Chris exclaimed as he shook his timetable, looking forlorn.

 

“I don’t know man, it might be nice to have some classes without your annoying arse for once.” Dan joked, lightly shoving Chris with his foot from where he sat. “It's actually probably because we had so many classes last year, the gods above are just evening it out. You know, for my sake, of course, they must have taken pity.”

 

Chris raised his eyebrows skeptically and snorted “Yeah, that’s _definitel_ y what's going on here.”

 

 “You never know,” Dan said innocently, humming with amusement.

 

“Still, whatever the case it sucks” Chris argued. “Who will keep me awake when I fall start to asleep in class?”

 

“you’ll find someone else, but hey maybe it’s a good thing. We can focus on our school work and get our grades up.” Dan’s smirk grew and he scooted away from Chris. God this was refreshing compared to the smothering conversation with his parents. Chris was the only person Dan felt like he could be himself and joke without them taking it the wrong way.  

 

Chris narrowed his eyes at him and leaned over to take a swipe at Dan, but he had already moved away. “Fuck off mate, we all know that you have perfect grades, so that leaves me. Are you implying that my grades are bad?”

 

“You’re reading into things Chris, I would never.”

 

Chris rocked back in his chair, grinned and shook his head. “You know not everyone can be as smart as you, some of us want social lives.”

 

Dan rolled his eyes “I'm pretty content with my social life thank you very much.” It wasn’t true, but Dan knew that he spent an unhealthy amount of time inside and wasn’t helped along by the fact parents liked to keep a close eye on him, and Dan wasn't about to tell Chris that his parents were strict didn't like him to go out and have fun so he normally just settled for the best lie.

 

“But seriously, you need to get out more. Especially since you aren’t in many of my classes, otherwise we will never see each other.”

 

“Yeah, I know but parties aren't really my thing, I normally just end up dancing awkwardly in the corner” Dan pushed, trying to seem convincing but realizing he had failed at doing so when he saw the skeptical look on Chris’s face.

 

“We don’t have to go to parties you know, we can go to the movies or to each other's houses.”

 

Dan didn't know about Chris coming over to his house but Dan could manage the movies a couple of times. Chris was right, but Dan couldn’t help but feel a bit defensive. 

 

Dan rolled his eyes “Why are you complaining anyway, don’t you have a bunch of other friends, if anything I will be the one most affected by this.”

 

Chris’s lips twisted into a frown and Dan almost instantly regretted opening his mouth.

 

“That's true, but you are a good guy and deserve friends. You have me of course, and I know it takes you time to warm up to people, but if you put yourself out there more I’m sure everyone would love you.”

 

“Look, most people annoy me. That’s all there is to it.” The conversation had gone from light and happy to awkward and depressing in record time and Dan ached to get away.

 

Luckily for him, moments later the teacher excused their year from the gym and Dan quickly ducked away, mumbling a mix between a goodbye and an apology before leaving Chris standing in the gym with people shoving past him to get the door.

 

Chris watched him speed away, probably the fastest he had seen Dan move in a while. He sighed and gathered up his books. At lunch they would just go back to normal and pretend it never happened, there was a silent agreement between the two to never mention Dan’s freak outs or his weird behaviour.

 

It was obvious that something had caused Dan to act the way he did but Chris had never been able to pace his finger on exactly what was wrong. Chris wasn’t sure where the line was with this and he didn’t want to cross it and make Dan angry. When they had met, Dan had just seemed antisocial, like he just found it hard to make or maintain friendships. But Chris felt like he also had a pretty low self-esteem.

 

It had taken a month for Dan to even begin to warm up with him. It had become more and more obvious that Dan wouldn't let himself have friends. A mix of being too anxious to put himself out there and being too afraid of being abandoned if he did, leaving him to come off antisocial and sometimes rude.

 

But unfortunately, Chris didn't have time to think about it, instead, he had to turn his attention to the first science class of the year. Hopefully this time he will do a little better at it, in other words, get anything above a fail.

 

——

 

Dan was nothing short of relieved when he finally got to his maths class. Dan weaved his way to the back of the classroom and sat down. Dan watched as students drenched in fatigue began to file into the classroom, all looking equally unhappy that their first class of the year was math.

 

_‘The first class of the year is math!’_

 

Dan hadn’t realised that Satan was the one who crafted his timetable. He could imagine it now, Satan carefully selecting all of his subject’s time slots to ensure that Dan would have the worst first week.

 

“How fantastic,” Dan mumbled to himself, sarcasm practically dripping off his lips.

 

It wasn't like he was bad at math or anything, in fact, he hadn't gotten a mark below an A- for two years (no small amount of effort was put in to maintain that grade) but it was just so boring, and it made Dan just want to fall asleep. In fact, he spends most of the lesson trying to stay awake.

 

By the time Dan was out of the class he just wanted to tumble back into bed.

 

_‘It’s going to fucking suck getting used to this again.’_

 

 Next up was double English, and that couldn’t have been more of a relief. It was one of the only classes that he didn't find it mind-numbingly boring, and the teacher he had let students sit where they wanted to, so he didn’t have to worry about getting seated next to someone he would have to talk too. He probably didn’t need to worry about getting seated next to anyone at all.

 

Dan made his way to the back corner of the classroom and settled down, watching student stream into the classroom and sitting down. In that moment, the teacher decided to make and entrance, the whole class quietened considerably. No one had sat next to him yet, he was home free.

 

“Alright students my name is Mr. Kolter and I will be teaching you all English for the rest of the year.” Dan cringed at the sound of chalk against the chalkboard as the teacher wrote his name. Who still used chalkboards anyway, most of the school seemed modern but Dan guessed this classroom was yet to be renovated.

 

“I recognize some of you so I must have had some of you before, but be prepared for me to regularly forget names. Anyway, I am sure that you have all heard enough of me blabbering, just a quick reminder that were you are sitting now will be where you sit for the rest of the year.” Most the class made sounds of agreement or smiled over to their friends and Dan couldn’t help but feel a little left out. Crippling anxiety and social awkwardness was lonely at times.

 

The teacher opened a document and began reading off a role, and Dan finally began to settle down, daydreaming about what he will do once he is at home when a loud bang startled him out of his thoughts.

 

As if it were some cheesy comedy movie a certain blue-eyed boy stumbled into the classroom, his hair in a shamble and face red from what Dan could only presume was hobbling down the hallway to a class he was already late for.

 

Phil waited for the teacher’s approval before making his way over to an empty seat next to someone Dan presumed was a friend, as on approach the guy sitting down gave him a small wave. At least that was until Phil spotted Dan at the back of the class.

 

Dan looked down immediately, but out of the corner of his eye, he saw Phil walk past his friend and towards the empty seat next to him.

 

_‘nope, nope, nopity no.’_

Dan kept his head down and his eyes on the table, not daring to look up at the boy who had just slid into the seat next to him. He could feel the multiple pairs of eyes on him and blush crept up is neck and onto his cheeks. Sure, Phil had seemed nice before but now the initial shock of a sprained ankle (That seemed to be fine now) had worn off, Dan wouldn’t be surprised if he was angry. 

 

Dan tilted his head up in hopes to see Phil’s expression, praying he would go unseen but only found Phil staring directly at him. Realizing his mistake, he froze with the expression of a deer in the head lights, eyes wide. To be honest, When Dan looked up at Phil he expected his face to be pulled into a wretched sneer or even a smug grin but definitely not the cheery grin that he was currently sporting. Either way, he didn’t want to deal with this.

 

“Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for before, I know I didn’t say it before but I was in a lot of pain, but I just wanted to say it now.”

 

“No worries.” Dan said, shrugging and opening his book, unsure of what else to say. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see that Phil was still looking at him, surprised that Dan hadn’t kept on talking. Dan didn’t want to be rude but he wasn’t jumping at the fact that he would have to sit next to someone, let alone Phil Lester. He hadn’t expected to talk to him after this morning, and he was still recovering from the party incident, which thankfully he didn’t seem to remember. He could only hope that that would be enough indication to Phil to leave him alone.

 

And it was, at least for the first 20 minutes. Dan let his mind focus on whatever the teacher was talking about, making notes as he went. He had almost forgotten that someone was sitting next to him until he felt a poke on his shoulder.

 

“Hey, can you lend me a pen,” Phil asked.

 

Dan only mumbled a reply as he reached down into his bag and produced the small blue pen he kept for emergencies, handing it over to the bright-eyed boy. Phil only grinned.

 

“And maybe some paper too.”

 

Dan raised an eyebrow skeptically, did this guy seriously just waltzed into class with nothing to his name, even the ‘rebellious’ kids had all brought the basic supplies to school. it was their last year for God's sake, did he really think he could get away without studying and taking notes.

 

Dan handed over some paper and turned his attention to the front of the class, trying to figure out what he missed.

 

“So, your name is Dan?” Phil asked, before thoughtfully chewing on the end of the pen that Dan had given him. “I suppose that is a stupid question, of course your Dan, I already knew that!” Phil decided, giving him a goofy grin.

 

Dan cursed to himself. ‘ _what did I do to deserve to get this guy seated next to me_?’ He had no intention of getting mixed up with Phil Lester and his bubble of chaos, but now he was forced to endure an entire hour and twenty long class with him! Dan had thought Phil had been nice but now he was acting just annoying. Dan was too busy wallowing in his current predicament to notice that Phil had started talking to him again, not even bothering to keep it to a whisper.

 

“Phil Lester” an authoritative voice rang out, drawing all the attention do the dark-haired boy beside him. Phil got the hint and turned to the front, giving the teacher an award-winning smile.

 

“Yes, Mr. Kolter?” Phil answered all too innocently.

 

“Tell me if I'm wrong, but you tumble into my first class of the year late. You look like you just got out of bed and your brain must be acting the same because you appear to have forgotten all your belongings - _yes I did indeed notice that_ ” he emphasised to an affronted looking Phil, earning a wave of laughter.

 

“And once you had finally taken your seat and all is well you start talking up a storm, distracting one of my most well behave students! Unless of course you are telling him the answer, in which case Mr. Lester, would you like to relieve me of my duties up here and just teach the lesson for me?” Kolter finished.

 

Phil looked at Dan sideways. Then he  _winked._  Dan sputtered, who by this point was dying inside at attention that was directed at him, sunk deeper into his seat and focused his attention on an incredibly exciting white wall.

 

“I would, Mr Kolter,” Phil replied honestly, returning to the conversation with the teacher, ignoring the half horrified, half amazed looks he was receiving from his peers. “But I would have to be an idiot to do that! I mean, I wouldn’t get  _paid_ for it. If anything, I’d be paying to teach.”

 

The teacher's mouth pressed into a hard line, face assembled into a frown, and the students nervously looked between the two to see the teacher’s reaction to Phil’s cocky comment 

 

“I'm going to let this slide because it's both our first days back and I can’t be bothered to organize a detention, but if you display this behaviour again, there will be consequences.” Kolter huffed, looking like he was already done with school, and honestly, Dan could relate, this hadn't been the best first day ever.

 

After that Phil seemed to quiet down, not trying to make any conversation with Dan but instead doodling profusely on the paper Dan had supplied him. The rest of the lesson went smoothly and he was thankful for it. Class finally ended and Dan quickly packed up his notes and booked it towards the door. He could not be readier for lunch period but before he could go he felt a hand wrap around his wrist. _‘Just my luck.’_

 

Dan turned to see Phil give him a generous smile.

 

“Anywho, as I was saying before we were rudely interrupted, my name is Phil Lester. A pleasure to meet you.” He extended his hand out for Dan to shake. After a moments pause, Dan shook it “Dan Howell” was all Dan allowed. Apparently, that was enough though, because the other boy grinned at the reply, all white teeth and crinkled eyes, and he was so fucking cheerful that Dan had to turn away.

 

There was an awkward moment where they just stood facing one another until Phil heard his name and said goodbye and left, leaving Dan there to watch Phil stroll happily up to a blonde girl who Dan presumed was the one who called out. Dan was beginning to realise that someone was always calling Phil’s name.

 

Phil turned to look at him. “See you next lesson” He exclaimed.  

 

_‘Is he like that with everyone?_ ’  He wondered as he walked away. Dan couldn’t believe how utterly open and shamelessly he went about everything. He was the exact opposite of Dan and he tried to hate how Phil was going about like he didn’t have a care in the world, and how he was just like an open book, but a flare of jealousy rose up inside Dan because he could never trust people as easily as Phil did.

 

It wasn't till Dan sat down for lunch Did he realise that Phil never gave him his pen back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to get moving now! I have to say that it takes a couple of chapters for things to really get going but if you think this is too slow of a build up then I swear this is important. You know what I've found out I hate? Dialogue. I always feel like its really rough and I cant tell if it flows. It takes me so long to write as well. Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to leave a comment as I will appreciate it.


	5. chapter 4

Phil sat slumped in a brightly coloured bean bag in the library. The afternoon sun streaming through a nearby window and soaking his back providing warmth to the tired limbs that protruded awkwardly from his body. His head was throbbing from a hangover, but that was nothing new.

The Library was empty besides a few dismal students this afternoon, most people eager to get back home after their first day back at school but Phil had opted for the library, relishing in the tranquillity and wanting to evade Martyn and his girlfriend Cornelia. He was currently multi-tasking between finding a good filmmaking course that he could take this year and trying to guard the pack of Doritos from his bubbly friend Louise.

“The amount of homework I have gotten today is absurd, teachers do realise we get homework for other classes besides theirs right! I mean yeah, its senior year but it’s only the first day. How am I meant to manage this!?” Louise complained, pushing her workbook away from her in defeat, sighing with frustration.

Phil hummed in agreement but refused to take his eyes off his screen, leaving Louise with a rather unimpressed look on her face.

“Are you even listening to me?” Phil just hummed again.

“Is your favorited food cheese?” Phil nodded

Louise rolled her eyes and leaned over to where her friend sat, pushing the screen of his laptop down.

Phil looked up in alarm at the sudden disruption. “Hey, what was that for!” Phil complained indignantly as he pushed Louise’s hand away after she used the opportunity to grab another chip. “I was working on something you know.”

Louise raised an eyebrow. “Look, I know I’ve never been at school with you but for some reason, you don’t take me as the homework type, so what were you actually doing that was more important than your friend.”

Phil flashed an apologetic smile to his friend, but this wasn’t exactly a topic that Phil was particularly keen about lingering on, so he hoped a quick explanation would suffice. “Sorry for ignoring you, but I have been trying to find a good filmmaking course I could take and have been finding hard to find a good one.” Phil chirped happily, expertly masking his distress the topic.

Even from here he could see the gears inside of Louise’s head turning, it appears that he will not evade this conversation as he had hoped.

_‘you should have just lied.’_

Louise nodded in acceptance but obviously, this wasn’t the end of the conversation. For as sweet as Louise is she does like to poke and prod quite a bit.

“Doesn’t this school offer an elective on filmmaking or something, if you that passionate about it than why didn’t you choose it? And aren’t you some genius with business and stuff?” Louise asked, confusion hinting at her tone.

_'There it is’_

Phil tried his best to mask how uncomfortable he was with this conversation, what could he say? Well sure he could tell her the truth but that isn’t what Phil Lester does. He doesn’t talk about his family, he doesn’t get emotionally attached, and he certainly doesn’t talk about his personal problems. What he does do is lie.

“It isn’t really something I was interested in until I came here, I had already chosen my electives by the time I decided it was something I would like to try.”

Louise nodded in understanding, smiling widely, and Phil had to avoid outwardly showing the sigh of relief he just let out. “Well that’s ok then, it’s good to see you interested in something other than parties.” Phil rolled his eyes but smiled, he could always rely on her to poke fun at him, if everything else was out of place in his life he would always have that for stability.

“I’m fine you know, I have everything under control.”

Louise giggled and lightly shoved him on the shoulder. “Whatever floats your boat Phil, now be quiet, I’m trying to do my homework.”

Phil sniggered only to be shushed by a fellow student who was glaring angrily at the pair, obviously tired of the two's antics. Phil lowered his voice and whispered to Louise who was still sporting a sheepish grin.

“You where the one who interrupted me!”

“Only because you were so concentrated, I’ve never seen you so focused on something before and I wanted to see what it was.”

“So, you're you saw me focused and your solution was to interrupt me, what kind of logic was that!”

“The best kind of logic, and besides if anything, it’s giving me time to steal more of your chips” Louise teased.

Phil looked down to see that she was indeed stealing his chips and Phil quickly slap her hand away from them, earning a cold gear from the librarian. The two fell into silence, leaving only the low hum of library chatter, complete with the sound of Louise’s pen scratching frantically across paper and the slightly less elegant crinkle of a chip bag, courtesy of Phil.

Ten minutes later the crinkling of the chip bag had ceased and Louise looked up to find a very much asleep Phil slumped on the beanbag, laptop still open, the bright screen illuminating his tired face. She felt her phone buzzing in her pocket but ignored it in favour of studying her sleeping friend.  
  
Phil Lester. What an enigma.

Inky black hair framed a pale face, icy blue eyes shone like a torch in the dark, flecks of green and yellow littered those wide orbs of colour if you managed to get them in the right light. The contrast was striking and almost left him looking ghostly, but he manages to pull it off. There is no doubt in mind that he is a good-looking guy; Louise can understand why people throw themselves at him.

What she doesn’t understand is the odd magnetism that Phil seemed to have; an overwhelmingly joyful charisma that makes him practically radiate positivity and leaving him with more friends than any regular, practical person would be able to manage. Even Louise is friendly with a lot of people but that is still no match for Phil, and all this popularity in such a short time.

One moment the name Phil Lester held as much importance as a sack of potatoes, and the next day suddenly the whole year new his name. By the time school had started practically the whole school knew who Phil Lester was, hell, probably most kids their age in the area knew or has heard of Phil; the human equivalent of the sun. But how? Can a few parties and an energetic personality really get you that far?

_‘I guess it can.’_

On top of that, even with all the TV shows, gaming, parties and the hangover that would occur all too often and that he was way too skilled at hiding for his own good, Phil still managed to maintain almost perfect grades, or so she had heard.

_‘What demon pact did this boy make to get that lucky?’_

Louise had had a run in with Phil’s brother Martyn not to long back, he had been looking for Phil and she was sure Phil would be in some deep shit but when he came out from the party Martyn merely cast him and sad look and gestured for him to get in the car, saying they needed to be somewhere.

He had told Louise that despite all the partying, Phil had always managed to keep his grades up, he even laughed at the memory of his parents having trouble getting Phil in trouble, because it didn’t affect his academics, and that was an important thing to their family. Louise was aware that Phil didn’t live with his parents, and had always wondered why but had never asked, she sensed that it was one of those things you should just leave alone.

  
As Louise continued to take in her friend she realised that after almost three months, she honestly had no clue who Phil Lester was. Sure, she knew the bright-eyed, happy boy that seemed to bleed positivity and excitement, but that’s the same person that merely an acquaintance would know. Hell, she couldn’t even remember how they met, and she was positive that Phil wouldn’t remember either.

Even Louise, who was quite energetic herself, new that no person could be consistently happy, and she had a hunch that Phil Lester may not be exactly as content with life as she had first perceived.

Louise realised she had been staring at her friend way too long, and what it would look like to any onlookers. Despite what some people may presume, Phil and Louise had never gotten together after Louise made to crystal clear that she didn’t want to be just another one night stand, or even something more for that matter. Phil, being the person that he is compiled and never tried to get with her, only flirted with her playfully, and that was just a joke between the pair.

Ok so maybe she understood why people could misinterpret the status of their relationship, only they would know they weren’t dating.

Sighing Louise glanced at her neglected notifications, seeing a text from her mum asking when she would be home. Looking at the time at the top of the screen, she realises that they had been here for a while. Shooting back a text to her mum, Louise stood and wandered over to where Phil lay resting, now she was closer she couldn’t help noticing the bags under his eyes.

Most say that people sleep peacefully, that all worry ceases to exist from the moment you fall into slumber, but in sleep, Phil almost seemed restless, a small frown cemented into his face, suggesting inner turmoil he was force to face and the only time he let it be seen was when he was asleep. To see him so venerable left Louise feeling like she had witnessed something she shouldn’t have, something unspeakable.

She had no doubt in mind that there was something more to Phil than the excitable exterior he put on show to the world, but for some reason, she knew that while she may do her best to support him it probably wouldn’t be enough. She had her own shit to look after, and she honestly had no clue as to how much of himself he was hiding.

\--

Dan’s afternoon had met his standards, which to be honest were quite low and nothing to be proud of. He had arrived home in the heat, his hair beginning to curl from the sticky humidity and the uniform he was required to wear was induced the same effect as an inferno. It was supposed to be getting cooler, but today was nothing of the sort.

In other words, Dan was just about ready to drop to the ground and melt into a puddle by the time he got home. Fully prepared to spend the rest of the day boxed up in his room procrastinating math homework with the air-con on full blast, he had opened the door and began to make his way up the stairs. He didn’t get very far though, as soon as he made it a measly five steps towards his room, his mother entered the room and bombarded him with questions.

Dan, who was in no mood to hold a proper conversation with anyone, let alone be interrogated by his mum, agreed that they would talk about his day at dinner instead.

He failed to realise that this would mean having to withstand the onslaught of questions from both parents.

“So how did you like your teachers? Are you seated next to people who won’t cause any distraction? We don’t want anything to hinder your learning.” Dan’s mum questioned.

Dan told them about his teachers, he hadn’t gotten any teachers that were notorious for being bad at their job, and Dan knew if he said that he thought they were too strict his parents would say that was a good thing. What he did leave out was the fact that he was seated next to Phil Lester in English. The was no way he was going to let his parents call the school and complain, he did not want to be that kid, so he was just going to have to ride it out.

His parents nodded on throughout his explanation, sounding happy with what Dan was saying. Dan couldn’t help but notice that they only seemed to care about his academics at school, not how he was feeling or what he thought. Dan ignored the stinging in his heart.

“I see.” His mother commented once he finished talking. “It’s good to see that you finally seem to be on the right track this year”

Dan felt as though he needed to hold his eyes in place to stop them from rolling.

_‘like I haven’t any other.’_

After that the conversation seemed to lull and he was left to his own thoughts, mindlessly shoving food into his mouth and drowning out the world. He was only broken from his daydreams when he felt a hand land on his shoulder. Dan jumped, letting out a small squeal (much to his embarrassment) as he did, blushing when he realised it was only his father trying to get his attention. A disappointed frown settled upon his father’s face.

“We have been trying to get your attention for the past minute, what’s on your mind that made you forget all your manners! And stop hunching over, you’re going to get terrible posture, sit up straight, have you forgotten everything we have taught you!” his dad snarled, narrowing his eyes at an alarmed-looking Dan.

“And for goodness sake, act like a man and toughen up.” Dan’s dad spat with a harsh tone, screwing up his nose in disappointment.

Danes stomach dropped. He never felt like he was good enough for them, despite his perfect grades and perfect attendance, it was like they were waiting for him to fuck up, to _disrespect_ them. What more could they want from him, Dan did everything they said.

Dan sat up in his chair to imitate his parents request.

“Speak up!” his mum scolded.

“Yeah, of course, it was wrong of me, I should have been listening” Dan apologised as sincerely as possible.

“As you would have heard if you had been listening, I was saying the you need to set an alarm for Sunday morning as we need to go to church.”

Dan had expected this. You see the Howell family hadn’t gone to church for a few weeks, as dear old Mrs. Howell had kept forgetting to set an alarm, much to Dan’s satisfaction. It had almost been comical watching his mum praying for forgiveness about missing church.

“Yeah sure, can I leave the table now?”

His parents shared a look that made Dan’s stomach pool with dread. Even _they_ looked uncomfortable.

“Not yet we need to talk to you about one last thing, after that you can go.”

Dan nodded at them to continue.

“We understand that you are at the age where you might want to go out with a girl, we are actually surprised that you haven’t already dated someone.” Dan dad said, leaning in to make sure Dan was following.

_‘Oh Jesus fucking Christ we are actually talking about this right now.’_

“And we wanted to tell you that we want you to find a nice, respectable Christian girl, we don’t want you to bring any trouble home. We don’t want you to bring home some kind of slut.”

The way his father talked so bluntly and poorly about people made his fists curl up in rage. It was like they weren’t living in the 21 century, what was their problem. Of course, he didn’t voice any of this out loud, instead trying to mask his distaste for his father’s word the best he could.

“Yeah of course dad, I wouldn’t dream of anything else.”

“Maybe you could meet a girl at church, what about Katherine, she seems like a nice girl.”

_‘Oh, just fantastic, now my parents are trying to set me up with a date.’_

Katherine was the child of some of his parent’s church friends. They had talked before but she didn’t really have the same interests as Dan did and Dan didn’t really think she was the kind of person he would want to date. It didn’t help that he was attracted to the same gender.

“Yeah, um, I don’t know, I don’t think we would work.” Dan argued

“I guess you won’t know until you try though.” Dan mum said thoughtfully, turning to her husband. “I should ask Katherine’s parents about that.”

Great. Now it wasn’t even Dan’s choice about what girl he went out with.

“Can I please leave the table now?” Dan asked abruptly, even Dan himself didn’t expect the words to come out of his mouth.

His mother surveyed him carefully as if trying to decipher something. “Yes, but wash the dishes first.”

Dan quickly stood and collected the dishes, briskly cleaning them and then heading upstairs. Once he made it up to his room he collapsed into bed, staring up at the ceiling with empty eyes as he took in all that had been said over dinner.

There was no chance his parents would except him for being gay, he will have to endure multiple torturous hours of church, and his parents just set up their gay child with a girl he has nothing in common with.

Isn’t life just peachy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter! I hope the changes of perspective aren't too had to follow? This is how I wrote it and the story will often change perspective but please tell me if its hard to follow so I can try to make it smoother. Also how are you liking this? Am I on the right track? pls comment cause I would love to know how I'm doing :)


	6. chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick disclaimer: I do not know how gaming and stuff works so sorry for any inaccuracies.

It was 8 pm by the time his favourite part of the day had started. Dan had finished the agonising process of sifting through all his homework and had settled down to play Xbox live with Chris. Dan never cared what game they played, he just cherished his friend's company (although annoying at times) and every hour free he would get before he would have to go to bed. Chris finally connected to the video call.

 

“Hey arsehole, what’s up?” Chris said as soon as the call connected, spinning aimlessly around in his chair.

 

“Well hello to you too, Chris.”

They continued talking as they played the game they had loaded up, which involved a lot of yelling and swearing from Dan as Chris’s character was currently getting slaughtered in Halo. “CHRIS, THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. GO, GO, GO.” Dan jostled his leg up and down in nervous energy.

“Hold on, I’m trying, I’m trying!” Chris said as he did no such thing. Dan watched in despair as the enemies made short work of him.

 

It only took a couple more seconds until Chis managed to get himself killed for the third time and thus failing their mission once again.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK!” Dan screeched, already seething with anger as he looked at failed screen, only overshadowed by the slight tug at his lips. “That has to be a new personal worst. I don’t even know how you managed that.”

 

“Pure talent Dan. Pure fucking talent.” Chris said as he cackled way, much to Dan’s irritation.

 

“That’s it, I’m done with this game for today, I might actually shoot myself if I have to see you die again.” Dan grumbled tossing his controller to the side only for it to miss the bed and crash to the floor. Dan groaned in defeat. “I hope you feel sorry for what you have done to me.”

 

“Not at all, I have no remorse.” Chris teased with a smirk as he happily ignored Dan’s glare. “Anyway, since you don’t want to play the game anymore, how was your first day of school?”

 

Dan sighed and flopped down on his bed “Uneventful, to say the least.”

 

“Have you managed to be your usual antisocial self and not talked to anyone except me all day?”

 

Dan shot back up from bed again, glare intensified and arms crossed. He was about to make up some excuse about how he found people annoying or about how he wanted to focus on his work when, with much delight, he remembered that he actually had talked to someone. “I have talked to someone else, thank you very much, and you will never guess who.”

 

“My god, it must be a miracle” Chris announced, feigning astonishment and bringing his hands together as if he was praying. “Jesus, are you there?”

 

“Hey, first of all, piss off, I hope you know that if we were in the same room right now I would be pelting shit at you left and right, and secondly, it was Phil.” Dan snapped and giving Chris the finger, although knowing full well that it would only give the fucker satisfaction.

 

“Wait…Phil Lester” Chris exclaimed, his eyes comically wide has he dropped his hands. “How did that even happen! My god, am I gonna have to find a new friend now?”

 

Dan rolled his eyes “not so fast Chris, I only talked to him because he ran into me.”

 

“Wait what!”

 

“Yeah, I was on my way to school and the guy just ran into me.” Dan began “He fell to the ground and sprained his ankle or something and I had to help walk him to school.” He explained to an astonished Chris as he leaned comfortably back into his pillows, Chris already forgiven. “It was one of the most awkward experiences of my life, and that’s saying something.”

 

“Was he angry at you?” Chris question as he glanced curiously at his friend through the pixelated screen, as if looking for bruises.

 

Dan quickly shook his head “surprisingly enough, not at all” Dan answered as he went to retrieve the discarded controller, “I mean when I realised it was him I was fully prepared to get my arse beat, but he seemed like a genuinely nice guy.”

 

“Wait, how did you know it was him?”

 

Dan popped back into the frame giving Chris a look of ‘are you kidding me’ “I met him at the party, and when I say met I mean it in the loosest way possible.” Dan scoffed, clearly disappointed in Chris’s lack of memory.

 

Chris continued to disappoint “Wait, which party are we talking about?” he asked as Dan’s eyes narrowed.

 

“Which one do you think you twat!? The one you dragged me too at 11 at night to retrieve your drunken arse.” Dan hissed, giving Chris his coldest glare. Chris, of course, appeared unaffected by this and grinned at Dan. 

 

“Hey, that party was fun, you can’t blame me for wanting to know how the other half live!” Chris protested, crossing his arms and pouting.

 

“The other half?”

 

“The popular half Dan, and besides, I had heard that Katie was going to be there. I wasn’t missing out on that.” Chris admitted, looking sheepish.

 

Dan rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but laugh “Oh my god of course you went for Katie! Did you even talk to her before you embarrassed yourself by dancing on the table?” Chris what such a sucker when it came to girls, and he always had the worst of luck. He had to admire Chris though, Dan would much rather suffer in silence for fear of being turned down, but Chris was happy to put himself out there. ‘Finding out the person you like likes you back is like winning the fucking lottery.’ Dan thought. ‘And I hate gambling.’

 

“No, but we made some pretty steamy eye contact.” Chris sighed longingly and put a hand on his heart. “I think we are meant to be”

 

“Yeah, I’m sure you are Chris.” Dan said, “Isn’t that what you said with Sarah, and you spoke like three times.”

 

“Don’t try and undermine my relationship with Sarah, Dan. We were in love.”

 

“Whatever floats your boat idiot, just don’t get too carried away.” Dan warned “Remember what happened last time, you joined the football team just so you could get closer to her, only to find out she had a boyfriend. What kind of idiot does that; you hate sport.”

 

Dan saw a flash of what could only be described as trauma in Chris’s eyes as he held his hands up in surrender “Alright too far, you’re just digging up painful memories. Have mercy.” Dan was just starting to bask in his victory when Chris started talking again. “Regardless of how you knew him, forced conversation hardly counts doesn’t it?”

 

“Oh, no Chris, it gets better. Guess who comes and sits next to me in English. Phil Lester, but you know how I said he seems like a decent guy. I take it back, he was just really talkative and annoying”

 

Chris by this point was collapsed in laughter in his chair, not feeling sorry for Dan at all. “He was talkative! Wow, your gonna have a great year.”

 

“I know right! That’s like the opposite to me!” Dan whined, hands covering his face. “I don’t want to seem rude you know, but the guy didn’t take the hint that I didn’t want to talk. What do I do!” Dan had no interest in making an enemy of Phil Lester but he certainly didn’t want to be friends with him.

 

“Maybe you should be nice to him, try to make a friend.” Chris suggested, only half-jokingly, eyes lighting up as he came up with an idea.

 

Dan, of course, saw the lightbulb go off in Chris’s mind and already didn’t like what was going on.

 

“You know” Chris started unsurely, turning to a reluctant Dan. “Talking about friends, you should come out with me and a couple of my buddies one time.” Chris suggested cautiously. He knew how defensive Dan would get about it and he didn’t want Dan to get mad at him. He saw Dan open his mouth to probably shut him down but he forged on before he could get a word out. “It will be chill, and it won’t be a party or anything, so you don’t have to worry too much. Trust me, they will like you, and I don’t know why you don’t like to put yourself out there, but if it’s because you think that you’re not fun to be around, then you are completely wrong.”

 

Dan sighed and looked down at his hands. Chris was right of course, but he wasn’t about to admit. Dan wanted to say yes to Chris. He was trying his hardest to get Dan to come out of his shell, and Dan felt like he owed him for putting up with his shit. Except Dan knew how much anxiety this would cause him.

 

“I don’t know ….” Dan started, eyes still cast at his hands as he played with the fabric of his shirt

 

“Please, just this once. It will be so much fun!” Chris pleaded “Trust me.”

 

Dan finally looked up to meet Chris’s eye and sighed. “Fine, but just this once.”

 

“SCOOOOOOORE!” Chris hollered at the top of his lungs, spinning violently around in his chair as he fist pumped. Dan rolled his eyes and chuckled and Chris’s stupid antics, he couldn’t bring himself be annoyed.

 

“Shut up before I regret my decision you idiot,” Dan said in the most unthreatening was possible. He glanced at the clock and with a disappointed sigh he saw it was almost 9 pm. “Hey I got to go now, but see you tomorrow yeah?”

 

“Sure thing you social butterfly.”

 

And with that, the call ended and Dan flopped down on his bed and let out a sigh of relief. He could hear his dad coming up the stairs, most likely to check that Dan was off his devices, but he didn’t let that get him down. He was too refreshed from talking to Chris for the last hour, although slightly worried about going out with his friends.

 

The end of the first day of school always provided a bit of a relief for Dan when he realised that this year would the same as every other year. He survived those years and he could survive this one. Dan was a creature of habit. All he had to do was study hard and make it to the end of the year and then he would be free. He could go to university with Chris and move away from his parents smothering parenting. All he had to do was get through this year like every other year.

 

And maybe he would have in some other world, in some other time, if it wasn’t for Phil Lester.

 

Instead, fate did what she does best and turn everything on its head.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh sorry, this chapter is disgustingly short but it is a filler and is necessary in setting things up. And its all dialogue so I died writing this. On a slightly better note, I can confirm there will be some drama next chapter so be ready for that. Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment!


	7. chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something went wrong last time I updated this and I don't know if it posted correctly, so if you haven't read the last chapter that I posted last week go check it out.

“Bye Dan! See you tomorrow!” Phil exclaimed as he waved his perpetually empty notebook in Dan’s direction. “Have a good afternoon!”

 

Dan didn’t bother replying as he clenched his fists in frustration and power walked in the opposite direction. Sitting next to Phil has been worse than Dan had ever imagined. Every lesson he has been met with a cheerful grin from the northern boy that practically radiated positivity. Dan couldn’t understand how someone could be that bloody positive all the time. But Phil’s exuberance didn’t stop at a smile and a brief “morning!”, it included constant pestering throughout the entire class, not even derailed by how one-sided the conversation often was.

 

This guy could not take a god damn hint.

 

Dan would spend the entire lesson fending off attacks from Phil. Whether they were in the form loud exclamations that the teacher had given up on correcting, or the poking and prodding whenever the class bore Phil, Dan was sure to meet them all this the same lack of enthusiasm. Dan was wearing thin and it had only been four weeks and so far, there had been no signs of improvement. Today had been no better, in fact, Dan had been more irritable than normal and was quite proud of himself for keeping it together. Though the particular reasons for Dan’s irritability today did not come from Phil himself, rather the swirling anxiety crawling in the pit of Dan’s stomach that had made him feel sick to his stomach all day.

 

Chris had finally organised for them to go out with some of his friends and Dan was not coping well. It had been four weeks since Dan had agreed to go out at some point, and he had genuinely thought Chris had forgotten until he brought it up a couple of days ago. Now Dan was feeling horribly un-prepared and he couldn’t shake the almost hysterical itch under his skin to reach for the phone and make up some shitty excuse to why he couldn’t go, but it was too late for it now. Decisions had never been Dan’s strong suit.

 

Chris had been so excited when Dan agreed that he didn’t have the heart to cancel, and the amount of pleading he had to do to convince his mum to let him go would all be for nothing if he didn’t follow through. It was a miracle she let him go.

 

He had to go, but with every step forward his entire body screamed no.

 

To Chris’s credit, he had done everything humanly possible to ensure Dan would feel comfortable, to the extent that at times Dan had wondered what makes him deserve such a good friend. He had ensured that Dan knew every part of the plan and that if he felt uncomfortable at any time all he had to do was tell Chris and they would be out of there. He had also ensured him that the people who were coming were all nice, genuine people that Chris had met through his drama club. Dan trusted him with that, he knew Chris wouldn’t tolerate any arseholes.

 

But it didn’t help. Dan was beginning to think his anxiety was worse than he had thought and that with his parent's overbearing control he hadn’t had a chance to realise.

 

None of that mattered now, because he was almost at the drama club room.

 

As he rounded the corner he was met with the sight of a rather large group of people. Dan froze in fear, unsure of what to do. In his mind, seven people didn’t sound like too many, but as he stared at the people before him, he felt overcrowded. He had been so wrong and everything inside of him screamed at him to run, _run_ , **_run._** But for better or for worse, his feet stay glued to the floor beneath him.

 

He could identify everyone without having to be introduced based on Chris’s surprisingly detailed descriptions. Pj was the lanky green-eyed boy with wavy hair, Louise was the boisterous blond that was currently squeezing Chris to death, Cat was the brown haired and brown eyed girl that was currently laughing at the two, Tyler was the exuberant boy this the bright blue hair, talking to a much more reserved blue eye and curly haired boy that he presumed was Troye, and listening in to whatever they were talking about was Dodie; hair messy as ever.    

 

And there was Dan, standing five meters away and too afraid to interrupt any of them, despite knowing that they were probably all waiting for him. Dan never had to though, because Tyler had noticed him staring and had put two and two together.

 

“Look, Dan’s here.” And with it, every pair of eyes found their way to him. The group erupted with nice to meet yous and hellos and the tension broke; Dan’s legs could finally move again. Chris came over and hovered near Dan to make sure he was comfortable as they all formally introduced themselves to him. Relief washed over Dan as he met everyone. They all seemed very nice and happy that he was there, and not off put that they had to invite him along like he was worried about. As the conversation died down Dan thought he might as well try to keep the ball rolling and ask a question.

 

_‘Nothing to be worried about.’_

 

“So, are you guys all in the Drama club?”

 

“Nah, but most of are at least. Troye and Dodie here are in the music club, so they often help us if we need music for a play or something.” Tyler answered helpfully, with a grin on his face as he gestured at the people next to him. “You should join the club too if you want. It’s not too late to sign up!”

 

“Nah, it’s not really my thing. Sorry.” Dan felt guilty for refusing the offer as Tyler seem very excited about it all, but thankfully he didn’t seem too fussed about it.

 

“All good. I know drama isn’t something everyone likes but the offer still stands if you want.” Tyler replied, giving Dan a reassuring smile.

 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Chris grinning at him like an idiot, obviously proud of him for being there. Smile only widened when he saw Dan looking, but he couldn’t help but feel bad for Chris, because he shouldn’t be that happy about Dan getting out of the house.

 

_‘What kind of shit friend am I if he is grinning like that just because I didn’t make some shitty excuse for why I couldn’t come for once in my bloody life’_ Dan shunned himself. Dan’s parents made it hard for him to socialise but he could make much more of an effort for his friends. Dan’s mood quickly changed from relief to crushing guilt.

 

Chris must have seen the change in his mood as he subtlety leaned over and asked Dan if he was ok.

 

“I’m fine Chis,” Dan replied, dismissively. Chris was so happy now and he didn’t want to burden him with this. “Let’s just go.”

 

Chris looked skeptical but ultimately decided against pressing on the issue; He doubted Dan would talk, let alone tell the truth. Especially not here, not now.

 

_‘It would be a waste of time.’_ Chris convincing himself.

 

“All right suckers, who is ready to eat?” Chris exclaimed loudly, smiling as the rest of his friends cheered

 

\--

Phil was scowling. A rarity for the usually happy-go-lucky boy, Martyn noted with interest. They were sitting in a bustling Café that Martyn had dragged Phil along too, so he could have some casual hang-out with his brother, just the two of them so that Phil wouldn’t get completely drunk and end up stumbling into him and his wife’s house at some unearthly hour. Or at least wouldn’t go running off with someone. But just as Martyn managed to get Phil into the conversation, he had shut up entirely and a glower descended on his face.

Martyn was beginning to become concerned as Phil’s agitation radiated outwards and rubbed off on the older man.

“is everything alright?” he wondered aloud, sipping his drink and scanning around to look for the source of Phil’s interest. Phil acted as though Martyn hadn’t said anything at all, causing him to exhale noisily. The older man tried again.

“Hey.”

“Hmmn.”

“Phil. Philip. PHILIP.” The blue-eyed boy’s head finally whipped back around towards Martyn.

“Whatis it, Martyn?” Phil practically bit his head off, the older man raising his eyebrows and raising his hands in surrender.

“Nothing, nothing…I was worried …but obviously your fine” Martyn muttered.

Phil’s eyes softened as he realised how harsh he had been.

“Sorry Martyn, I just… I mean… I… never mind, it doesn’t matter.” Phil trailed off as he turned back to whatever he had been watching. Martyn was left no choice but to go back to scanning the crowd for whatever it was that was absorbing all of Phil’s attention. If he wouldn’t say, then he just had to find out for himself. So, the two sat there silently, looking like quite the odd pair as Martyn sat slumped in his chair lazily, all while Phil just clutched the table like a lifeline, simmering with barely contained resentment.

\--

Phil was angry.

Maybe unnaturally angry for what the situation merited.

He really did wish he wasn’t, but dealing with Dan Howell was never that simple.

Earlier today Phil had gotten a text for Louise asking if he wanted to go out with some of her friends from drama. Phil had politely declined, telling her that he had promised Martyn that he would go out with him today. Besides, he hadn’t even felt like it at the time, and what’s a missed outing or two. It was probably good for him anyway. That’s what Phil had thought at first, but now he sat watching the group regretfully, wishing he had never declined. Because not long after he had settled down he watched Louise stroll in, a group of friends in tow.

He knew most of them from parties or other times he had been out with Louise. He recognised Louise, Pj, Tyler, Troye. He vaguely remembered Louise mentioning the boy Chris, and he didn’t recognise the girl with messy hair and round glasses, but they weren’t the ones that mattered. Because standing awkwardly in the middle of the group was Dan Howell, and talking to him was a pretty girl that came with them, letting out an exaggerated laugh at whatever Dan was saying. She was glowing with happiness, hair shiny and eyes sparkling as they gazed at Dan

_‘Dan has a girl?’_

The question seemed to answer itself as she leaned in too close and whispered something to Dan, making the boy's cheeks go bright red.

Phil’s vision blurred as he clutched the table angrily.

_‘This can’t be happening to you’_

It began with a lie. Sharp-edged at first but worn down by so many soft half-truths over the course of the month that it probably wouldn’t even hurt for him to swallow; maybe that’s why it was so easy to believe. Phil just wanted to be friends with the introverted Daniel Howell. Angry glances at every turn and otherwise just ignoring the rest of the world, he was a challenge to get along with and refreshing to be around. He didn’t pretend to put up with Phil, and he most certainly didn’t try to get on his good side. Phil fricking  _loved it._ He loved becoming friends with Dan.

Purely platonic, of course. (Hah)

But somewhere along the way, Phil messed up, as he usually would. He wanted more. The jealousy that flared up only confirmed his suspicions: Phil Lester _fancied_  Dan Howell.

 

He was done for.

 

The urge to get up and go over and yank the pretty girl away from Dan bubbled under the surface as he tried to stay in control. He had made the stupid mistake of drinking and now it was even harder for him to resist. Phil had known why Martyn had brought him here, and in a pathetic effort to try and spite him, he had downed some alcohol before he had come. At least that’s what he told himself, it definitely had nothing to do with the itch under his skin telling him to crack open a drink and scull it because it had been too long.

 

Definitely not that. 

 

So now Phil needed some extra convincing to stay in his seat.

Going through all the reasons why he couldn’t have Dan normally put him in his place. Dan was special; he had an effect on Phil. Even Phil could admit that to himself at this point; he was more careful around the boy and yet he told him things so spontaneously that it surprised even himself. In any case, Phil knew he couldn’t have him. For multiple reasons. He mulled over them gloomily.

_‘Number one. Dan is straight._

_Number two. Dan probably still hates me._

_Number three. Dan is too whole._

_Number four. I’m messed up. I probably should never date.’_

_And now, number five on his list was in the form of a devastatingly pretty girl that sat mesmerised with Dan. Phil briefly wondered if he looked like that as well._

 

Dan seemed happy and Phil felt guilty that it made everything worse.

 

Suddenly, Phil noticed Dan shift almost imperceptibly to glance over at him out of the corner of his eye and he froze. ‘ _Oh god, he noticed me. Play it cool’_ Phil was about to give him a small smile and wave but the boy just paused for a moment before turning back to his presumed girlfriend and continued talking. ‘ _He just completely ignored me’,_ Phil thought, dumbfounded and hurt. His hand was still halfway up.

A small part of his brain whispered that Dan ignored him on a regular basis anyways, but the drunk part of Phil’s brain took great offense at the action and all of a sudden, he stood up from his chair with a clatter.

Bewildered and surprised, Martyn stared at the boy with wide eyes, unsure of what to do as he watched the younger boy go.

\--

A few tables down, a large group where eating together, merrily chatting. Dan had found that now he had managed to settle in with the group, he was actually having a great time. They all were sitting back and finding much amusement in watching Pj and Chris argue over some tv show, and when Louise slung an arm around him for support as she crumpled in laughter, he only flinched a bit. He was having fun, or at least he had been until, in the middle of a deep conversation about Mario cart with Cat, he had noticed Phil Lester out of the corner of his eye. He quickly sobered up, eyes nervously darting to the left every so often too see if he was still there, only to practically squirming as the boy’s blue eyes shot daggers at him from across the room.

                                                                                       

_‘Why is he staring? He won’t stop fucking staring. And why the hell wouldn’t he just bloody come over?’ Dan thought uneasily as his eyes made their way back to Cat._

After a minute or two of consideration, Dan ate another chip and turned his attention back to the group he was with. He was determined to not let Phil Lester get under his skin.

\--

Louise was the first to see him coming

“Philllllll!” She cried out, raising her hands in the air to wave him over and giggling. Everyone turned to look at the newcomer, returning their own hellos when they saw who it was, making Phil stop short on his warpath and check himself.

_‘Don’t make this a big thing’_ _Phil thought._

“Evening, Louise,” he grinned at her after a short pause. “and everyone else,” he addressed the others smiling, making eye contact with Dan briefly before the brown-haired boy turned away.

Irritated again, Phil forced himself to smile widely at everyone. “Sorry, don’t believe I’ve met some of you, but mind if I join?”

Everyone cheered in agreement, obviously having a good enough time that they were willing to welcome anyone to their party

“I thought you said you couldn’t come, what happened?” Louise asked as she settled down again.

“Martyn’s just over there, but his wife is gonna be there soon so I thought I better get out of there so they could enjoy themselves.” Phil lied easily. “Don’t want to waste a perfectly good afternoon out.”

They all nodded in understanding as Phil tried to stealthily text Cornelia to come to the café. He plunked down in a chair between Dan and Chris, earning a glare from one side and being completely ignored from the other. Slightly more satisfied with the arrangement he put himself in, Phil smiled to himself as his phone lit up with Cornelia’s reply saying she would be there soon.

 “Hey.  _Hey.”_ A whisper in Phil’s ear from his right. ‘ _Bingo’._  His lips quirked up as he turned to face the now familiar warm brown eyes of Dan Howell.

“Hi mate!” Phil said, grinning so hard his tongue poked out.

“Don’t  _mate_ me, you tosser,” Dan hissed. “What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean why I’m here? Louise invited me earlier, so here I am. Being invited. Besides, why can’t I be?”

The boy furrowed his brow in response as he tried to work out a reply, realizing he had a point. "I didn't know you knew these guys," Dan muttered to himself. Phil, triumphant, craned his head to look past Dan to the girl beside him. “And who are you? Haven’t met you before,” he said with all the cheer he could muster.

“O-oh, I’m Cat. Cat Valdes.” Cat answered, looking mildly annoyed at being interrupted.

Phil nodded in reply. “Phil Lester, I have English with Dan here,” he said, ruffling Dan’s slightly wavy hair as the boy continued to glare at him venomously.

After that, he continued to chat with Cat for a while, before she went back to her conversation with Dan. Phil tried to turn to the rest of the group that were doing their own thing, but he didn’t know what they were talking about so he soon lost interest.

In any other situation, Phil would have floated around till he found someone who was talking about something he was interested in, but this time he had a mission. But as Phil tried to join into Dan and Cats conversation, he was left overwhelmingly ignored. Phil frowned as Dan turned away, refusing to look at him.

_‘He’s mad,’_ Phil thought. ‘ _For what, though? Intruding on him and his girlfriend? But they’re all out in a big group anyway, so I would hardly think that to be it.’_

Slightly less satisfied now, the dark haired boy bit the inside of his cheek and stared off into space. He didn’t know how to make this any better. Instead of casually taking up some of Dan’s attention like he intended, he just felt like an interloper. He felt guilty, and that felt unpleasant.

As he mused, he heard a soft giggle coming from Cat as she whispered something into Dan’s ear. Phil refocused his gaze to see Cat lean is to Dan as she laughed. Dan was either oblivious to her flirting or they were actually together and Dan was just used to it. Phil was beginning to think it was the latter. Looking over in earnest, he watched as Dan’s face melt into a grin, dimples and all. Chest hurting, Phil kept a steady stare as Dan laughed at whatever she had said.

The ringing of the cafes bell brought him back to reality, and suddenly he became painfully aware of his staring and awkward third-wheeling.

It was a mix of another one of Cat’s stupid giggles and all the alcohol he had drunk before that made Phil snap.

The next thing Dan knew, he wasn’t laughing with Cat anymore and he was being dragged forcibly away from the table by the wrist, led by a stony-faced Phil. He saw everyone’s wide-eyed expressions as the blue-eyed boy steered the two towards the exit, silently throwing the door open and hurtling both of them out into the crisp British air.

The two found their footing at the Café entrance after a moment and stood there in silence, Phil’s hand still clamped around Dan’s arm. Cars whizzed past on the road and the air was buzzing with tension. Phil kicked at a pebble with his converse sneakers, hair wild and blue eyes smouldering as he met Dan’s harsh eye only to cast his eyes downwards a second later.

_‘What have I done’_

The traffic light at the nearby intersection turned red.

Complete silence.

“What the fucking hell is your problem, Phil?” Dan snarled, unable to contain himself anymore as he rounded on the lanky boy.

Phil snapped back to his senses. Looking disoriented and appalled at his own actions, he let go of Dan’s wrist and stumbled backward away from him as though he had the goddamn plague. Blue eyes met brown ones, brimming with panic. Phil fell back onto the curb and tangled his fingers in his upturned black hair, groaning as he shut his eyes tightly.

“I don’t fucking know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this longer chapter, thing are starting to get moving! It was a last minute decision to make Chris's friends other YouTubers and they aren't in the tags, but I don't think they will be important in the story. Feel free to comment as I appreciate it!


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: mentions of self-harm

Everyone was flabbergasted.

“Did I miss something?” Chris asked, but everyone just kind of shook their head and shrugged back, quickly finding their way back to the conversation. Chris didn’t discard it like the rest of them though, tuning out Louise’s exclamations in favour watching the two outside. He knew how Dan felt about Phil Lester, so he hardly thought Dan would be out there willingly. He barely had a clear shot of outside through the bustling café, but he managed to catch a glimpse of the two for a second. Neither looked like they were happy. Chris should intervene, but what the hell would he say? He didn’t even really know why Phil would drag Dan out, Louise had apparently invited him so it wasn’t like he just knew Dan.

Chris let his attention sway back to Louise, doing his best to ignore with the sickly pit in his stomach saying Dan was going to be very, very angry at him.

 --

Speaking of which, Dan and Phil weren’t doing a good job of that outside the Cafe.

Dan just stared. He stared at Phil, who was still sitting motionless on the edge of the sidewalk not uttering another word, unsure of what he should be doing. Could he just go back inside? No one seemed to be coming for them though, and Phil’s drawn-out groan made it apparent that he couldn’t.

And everything had been going so well for Dan, too.

“What’s the meaning of this, Phil?” He asked the scared looking boy, trying a softer approach this time “Why did you drag me out here?” When he answered by burying his head in his arms, Dan heaved a sigh and sat down next to him on the curb. A blue eye peered at him.

“Come on. I can’t do anything if I don’t know what is going on.”

“Nothing. It’s absolutely nothing. Forget it, I was being an idiot.” Phil finally replied in a muffled voice.

“But why were you so convinced you are an idiot?” Dan pressed, exasperated. “You dragged me all the way out here, there has to be a reason.”

“…Because of you and Cat.” The brunet boy froze, causing Phil to raise his head a little.

“What?” Dan whispered, confused.

“You and Cat, alright? You two seemed so  _happy_ and I do a shit job of dating and it’s rubbish, I know, but you two were just right there next to me and I had too much to drink and I was caught off guard, is all.” Head now fully lifted, Phil’s mouth was running off with itself and its barely reigned-in secrets. ‘ _Half-truths._   _Easier to swallow.’_

 

But Dan wasn’t concerned about the credibility of it all. For a second reality had washed away and he was only aware of his head was pounding, and Phil’s voice reached him as though he were underwater. Muffled. distorted.

 

_Happy. Dating. Cat._ The words reverberated inside Dan’s chest and lodged somewhere behind his eyes, blinding him. He had a long day where he had barely managed to keep it together, and now all his past faults came rushing back to him, at the hands of Phil fucking Lester, no less. Reality crashed back down upon him and he saw red.

Shooting back up, he looked down at Phil with deep-set anger in his eyes. He didn’t bother to correct Phil about Cat. “So that’s what it was. Poor Phil. Fucked too many people, got wasted and now he can’t look at a couple without needing to tear them apart. Is that what it is? Why did I even bother staying out here?” His voice rose.

“I –“Phil started, looking down in shame.

“No. No, I don’t want to fucking hear it. You’re such a twat, I  _hate_ you. What the fuck does any of this have to do with you?” Dan shouted, fists clenched at his side. People stared as they walked by quickly. Dan disregarded them completely, voice still heavy with rage. “Phil, you don’t even know me! I barely know you, you arseho–”

“What do you want to know?”

“What?”

Dan’s mind came to a grinding halt, thrown off balance. His anger yielded to puzzlement.

“What do you want to know? You said you don’t know me well enough for me to warrant any of this.” Phil repeated, calmly.

But for the second time that afternoon, Dan found himself at a loss for words. This wasn’t the reaction he was expecting. Phil Lester always managed to throw him for a loop; he couldn’t follow his thought process at all.

Seeing that Dan wasn’t about to continue yelling, or reply, Phil tilted his head up and continued, staring at the sunset.

“My full name is Philip Michael Lester. I love to film videos and edit them, and I want to go to uni to study postproduction. I lived in Rawtenstall but was enough of a fuck up that my parents sent me to live with my successful older brother in hopes that this would be my second chance. I’m sure you can easily make up your mind on whether I’m wasting it. My favourite colour is blue. I’m pansexual. I don’t have that many people that I’m close to, regardless of what it seems. I think I have a sex problem. I definitely have a drinking problem. I hate the Business electives my parents made me choose. I hate being popular. And I’m deeply, truly sorry for what I just did. Won’t happen again.” He looked up at Dan with a weak smile.

“Now you know more about me than anyone else in this place. Is that enough, or do you need more?”

Dan still didn’t reply, mind going a mile a minute as he tried to process everything the boy just said. ‘ _But you’re a genius with business. Or so I’ve heard. And don’t you have heaps of friends? Isn’t everyone your friend? A drinking problem? Pansexual? Wait, no, that isn’t a surprise. …You have problems in your life?_ _’_

He gaped, mouth opening and closing like a fish.

At this moment, Martyn and Cornelia go to exit the café, meaning Phil must have missed the friary red-head go in. They tried to leave slowly, undetected, but the silence was too heavy and both boys turned to look at them. Cornelia gave them both a small smile as they made their way down to their car, heart clenching as her eyes locked on Phil’s. The boy was looking at her with a drowned look on his face, like the world was coming to an end.

But the tanned boy standing beside him with his hands dangling loosely by his side was looking at Phil brimming with unsaid words, so Cornelia chose to leave it alone. Phil needed this – a serious conversation he couldn’t run away from.

And Martyn always came first for Cornelia.

She looked at her Husband tenderly. “Leave it, he needs it. Let’s go home,” she told him as he gave her a worried look, but after another glance at the pair he nodded, unlocking the car and soon speeding off away from the two boys still standing there.

 

“Well?” Phil broke the silence. “Guess I’m not getting anything back, but I don’t blame you. I don’t really deserve it.” His voice sounded worn down, like it was carrying the weight of the world, dropping so low that Dan had to strain to hear the last part. “But can I ask you one last thing.”

Dan studied him warily, but nothing could surprise him at this point. “Sure.”

“You got mad,” Phil said softly.

“That’s not really a question.” Dan pointed out, but Phil just smiled, the expression not quite reaching his eyes. To be honest, it kind of freaked Dan out; what was Phil if he was not his stupidly happy self? He didn’t know how to interact with the stranger in front of him, and now that the anger was starting to wear off he could feel the anxiety start to gnaw at his mind.

“You got mad because I said something.” Phil tried again.

“Right.” Dan's stomach was a mix of irritation and dread, he didn’t know where this was going but he couldn’t help but get irritated at this meaningless back-and-forth, pacing in front of him. “What’s your point again?”

Phil paused, looking at Dan with serious eyes and a hint of something else he couldn’t identify.

“You’re happy with Cat.”

The brunet stopped in his tracks, fists suddenly clenched again and eyes freezing over. He took deep breaths and turned his focus away from Phil as he tried to calm down before talking again. Inhale. Exhale. ‘ _For all Phil knows, we’re the happiest couple on planet Earth. We could even fool God. So, say yes. Dan, you idiot, just say yes, or at least say that you like her.’ Dan hadn’t been completely oblivious to her flirting, he could probably ask her out now and she would say yes. He could get away with it._

Phil stared pleadingly at Dan’s back as the boy refused to face him. He wished he would just reply.

_‘Just answer me. Answer so I can be done with this and forget how hard I messed it up tonight. I’ll go home and drink to oblivion until I don’t remember any of this. We can go back to how it used to be; you not giving me a second look and me crushing on you.’_ he bargained silently.

Dan gradually twisted back around. He opened his mouth, and Phil steeled his resolve. No more messing with Dan. They could even be friends. He can do just friends. He can keep himself in check.

_‘I think I can be okay with that.’_

But when Dan, finally confident with his answer, turned to look down at a small, hunched over Phil on the sidewalk, he couldn’t help but notice with a pang just how vulnerable the usually secure, exuberant boy was. Something shifted inside of him.

It was beginning to get dark out now, the sky stained with rich colours of purples and pinks fading to blue. It was beautiful really, a rare sight for Britain, but in that moment a streetlight turned on above the pair. At the back of his mind, Dan registered that his parents would have been expecting home by now, but something that normally would strike fear in Dan was quickly pushed to the back of his mind as his eyes settled on Phil again. As Phil was crouched down under the bright streetlight at that specific angle, Dan saw something he normally wouldn’t have.

They looked like something akin to skuff marks, but they were faded and almost imperceptible – only a shade or two lighter than Phil’s already pale skin. Thin streaks that bared themselves from under the boy’s slightly ridden-up shirt. They were too perfectly angled, too patterned to be any sort of accident. And as Dan slowly realized what they were, he felt that last bit of resolve chipping away; he couldn’t lie to Phil Lester. Not when he was like this.

The tipping point.

This was it.

Dan stepped closer to Phil with a sort of finality to his expression. He opened his mouth to speak as the blue-eyed boy stood with a start, wondering why it was taking Dan so long to finish it all.

They were standing so close that Phil could count the few freckles dotted across the other boy’s nose. Breath mingling in the air between them, Phil thought for one, stupidly hopeful second that Dan was going to kiss him. But the boys head grew heavy and fell towards the ground, his eyes trailing the pavement before he finally spoke.

“No. No, I’m not.”  _Not happy._ Dan’s hoarse voice cracked on the words. “we’re not dating, I don’t even like her.”

And Phil Lester felt it. He caved as Dan caved, scared of what was happening because this wasn’t supposed to happen, Dan was supposed to tell him he was happy and everything was okay the way it was and that was supposed to be the end of it and yet now their foreheads were almost touching, their lips were only inches apart and Dan was breathing heavily as he looked into Phil’s eyes with desperation.

_Help me,_ they said.

 Phil was pretty sure his eyes said the same thing.

“Dan–“Phil whispered, his northern accent growing even more pronounced as the boy leaned in. The bell of the café rung as two girls stepped out of the café, their conversation floating up into the night sky. The moment ended. Phil took a step back.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I just tried to do that,” Phil said, voice sounding unraveled and panicked, mind whirring. “It was a bloody mistake. Forget all of this happened.” Another step back, messing up his hair even more in a show of distress. One part show. Two parts actual distress.

“Wha –Phil?” Confused, Dan couldn’t keep up with Phil’s sudden change of pace.

The pair of girls giggled at the two’s apparent lover’s quarrel as they walked by. Phil noted in partial relief that it wasn’t anyone they know, but strangers that had just left the café for the night. He also noted in the back of his mind that now, he couldn’t take back what he said. Even though a part of him wanted to.

Pursing his lips together in a thin white line, Phil looked at Dan wordlessly for a long while with an indecipherable expression. Dan caught him mouthing words silently with a sliver of confusion.  _Not happy?_ But before Dan could say anything, Phil seemed to make up his mind and took a step back, and then another. And another. And another. And then he turned, dark hair fluttering in the evening wind as he walked away without another word.

Dan stood on the edge of the sidewalk unmoving, stunned look bathed in the cafes neon light as he watched the northern boy go.

 

Chris came out a little while later, after an hour had passed and he realized they weren’t coming back. He found Dan still standing there motionless, shivering slightly. Not asking any questions, Chris gently took his arm and steered him back inside with quiet words and concerned looks.

The boisterous group of friends quieted in conversation as they noticed Dan coming back in, but none of them could bring themselves to pry at the expression on his face. Chris just frowned, dislike for the shitty northern boy growing even though he never even really met him, officially. It had been fun teasing Dan but it seemed like he had really messed with Dan. Phil, was it? Chris decided he hated his fucking guts.

 

Phil Lester stopped showing up to English after that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so fun to write I'm so glad that I finally get to post it. I want to apologise in advance for my updating schedule. School is just starting to get busy and I accidentally set myself way too may creative goals for this year and I'm struggling to keep up with them, so updates might not be as frequent but I will try to update every week, or at least once a fortnight. I just know that at some point I won't be able to keep up. Anyway, i hope you enjoyed this chapter and feel free to leave a comment.


	9. chapter 8

_Shadows settle on the place, that you left_   
_Our minds are troubled by the emptiness_   
_Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time_   
_From the perfect start to the finish line_

Martyn rolled his eyes at the music floating down from the room upstairs. Although he supposed he was lucky; the week before it had been complete radio pop trash, and then this week, up until yesterday, it had been straight-up metal. Post-hardcore, or something. Screaming, growling, and it made Martyn want to pull his hair out. Cornelia put up with it, shushing Martyn whenever he complained to her, telling him that Phil needed this. He never said anything because Cornelia always tended to be right with these things, but at this point, he wanted to march right up into his brother’s room and tell Phil two weeks was enough and to quit the melodrama.

Neither wife or husband knew what was going on. In fact, Phil had stopped talking to the couple almost altogether. Martyn couldn’t remember the last time they had an actual conversation. Then again, it’s hard to talk when you don’t see someone. Phil was locked in his room from the moment he got home to when he left again, whether that being the next morning for school or in the middle of the night when he was slipping off to God-knows-where, only to stumble back in at the crack of dawn without explanation.

_And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones_   
_'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs_   
_Setting fire to our insides for fun_   
_Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong_   
_The lovers that went wrong_

Neither of them really knew why exactly why Phil had gotten worse with his responsibilities as of late, but at least Cornelia had more of a clue than Martyn. Although, she refused to share with him, still somewhat cross that he had failed to keep an eye on Phil that night.

Martyn grumped. He remembered seeing that lanky brunet whose height rivaled Phil’s disappearing with Phil out the door of the Cafe, but nothing much beyond that. He hadn’t seen the guy around before then, so they mustn’t have known each other for long. He assumed that boy was trouble, but in all his time knowing Phil, he had never seen him get hung up over anyone, let alone someone he had probably only recently met. So realistically, could that be what’s bothering him?

His computer beeped to notify him of an email. Martyn quickly opened it and skimmed through the text. Sighing in defeat, he put his head in his hands. Phil had really outdone himself this time.

_We are the reckless_   
_We are the wild youth_   
_Chasing visions of our futures_   
_One day we'll reveal the truth_   
_That one will die before he gets there_

…

_And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones_   
_'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone_   
_We're setting fire to our insides for fun_   
_Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home_   
_It was a flood that wrecked this_

_And you caused it_

The phrase ‘ _You’re an idiot’_ and _‘You really messed up this one’_ had been a frequent anthem in the northern boy's mind these last two weeks. After leaving Dan on the footpath that cursed night Phil had walked. Just walked. He had walked until his feet grew sore and blistered and he realised he was on the other side of town. Till the moon climbed high into the sky, washing everything in a silver light. Till the cool air of the British night numbed his mind. Maybe that’s why Phil couldn’t recall thinking much about anything that night, but that might have been the alcohol he stole from the cabinet when he got home.  

Unfortunately, Phil didn’t forget about the rest of the afternoon like he had hoped for. Instead, he had woken up on the floor of his bedroom, an empty bottle just out of reach, throbbing migraine paired with an aching back, and a collection of traumatising memories that played in his mind whenever he started to feel a little better. It was true, Phil really had messed up. And he was angry. Angry at Martyn and Cornelia for not helping him when they left the café. Angry at Dan for being too bloody whole. Angry at himself for drinking too much that night, for letting his feelings get the best of him, for getting attached to a boy who he had only met a month ago.  

_Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette_   
_A lifeless face that you'll soon forget_   
_My eyes are damp from the words you left_   
_Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest_   
_Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest_

Since then Phil had done what any mature person would do; haul up in his room, listen to music on full volume, play video games and avoid Dan at all costs. And at all cost meant at all costs. Phil had been dodging the boy for a good two weeks, and since the school was so big it wasn’t hard at all. While Louise and all his other friends had been curious as to why Phil wouldn’t always come sit with them anymore, they never said anything, figuring it was better not to ask. Except for Louise of course, she pestered him constantly, but he could put up with it. He had even gone to the extent of not turning up at English at all to save him the embarrassment.

 _‘Your such an idiot. Dan must hate you now’_ The thought struck him, distracting him long enough to allow his cart fall off the track in Mario Kart.

Phil was scared. He didn’t know what to do. This was the first time anything like this had ever happened to him, it was the first time he had gotten hung up about somebody. It was new and it was scary. And he had managed to mess it up almost immediately. Phil chose to try and forget about it

_And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one_   
_'Cause most of us are bitter over someone_   
_Setting fire to our insides for fun_   
_To distract our hearts from ever missing them_   
_But I'm forever missing him_

There was a knock on his door

…

“This song makes you sound like a lovesick moron!” Martyn shouted from outside the door. 

His eyebrows shot up in surprise as the music suddenly cut off.

“Hey, I like this song!” A muted yell came from somewhere in the room. He grinned at the reply, silently celebrating. ‘ _It’s something, I guess. Maybe this won’t be that bad.’_

“Hey, I need to talk to you, can I come in?”

There was a grunt in response and Martyn took that as a yes.

Upon opening the door, he saw his younger brother, sitting cross-legged playing Mario Kart, looking like he didn’t have a care in the world. Obviously, this was only a façade as there was an impressive array of empty beer bottles and a variety of hard alcohol labels scattered around him, but anyone else would probably think everything was fine as this wasn’t anything new for the boy.

 

_‘what an idiot.’_

 

“Phil! You are in deep shit.”

 

\--

 

The school’s office was offensively bright for their current predicament. The posters, ribbons, and medals that all clung to the walls in a show of all their school’s achievements seemed terribly out of place as Martyn and Phil sat side by side in too-small chairs not murmuring a word to one another, with only the sound of a ticking clock accompanying them. 

Martyn couldn’t help to note that this was probably the quietest he had ever heard Phil, and by now it was making him uncomfortable. He was the first to break the silence.

 

“You know I’m going to have to tell mum about this.” Martyn started, voice sounding out of place. “And I know I normally cover for you, because I understand. I understand how hard it can be to impress her, don’t forget I lived at home too. I also know that despite everything, you don’t want to let her down, but I’m going to have to tell her about this.”

 

Phil’s head sunk lower than before “I know Martyn, I wasn’t going to ask you to cover.”

 

Martyn ran a hand through his hair and sighed as he looked at his brother. In these moments, he always looked so small; Black hair covering his most of his face, eyes downcast and his lanky body crumpled in on itself. It hardly looked like the exuberant boy he knows, or he at least he thinks he does.

 

Martyn trundles on even though he knows this isn’t the most appropriate place to have this conversation.

 

“I… I don’t even know if what I’m doing is right, keeping all this stuff from her. I know it’s hard, the depression and all that, so I tell her you’re fine, that her sending you here for a fresh start is helping. But let’s be honest Phil. I don’t think it is and I can’t keep seeing you crash and burn all the time.”

 

Martyn looked to see if there was any reaction from Phil, but when his gaze stayed firmly on the ground he continued. “And besides all the bad habits you have, sometimes it seems like you are doing better; You talk to me and Cornelia, you go to school, and you seem… well, you seem more or less happy. But that’s how you are with everyone, so exuberant and bright but you’re so hard to read. And then shit like this happens, and you’re skipping school, staying locked in your room smoking and drinking more than normal and always running off to god knows where in the middle of the night.-“ Phil looks up but Martyn quickly shuts him down “ Don’t bother trying to deny it.”

 

“And… I… god I’m so bad at this emotional shit” Martyn said, running his hands over his face and letting out an empty laugh. “It seems like it’s such a huge step back because never have I once seen you this hung up about something… or someone” He added cautiously, not bothering to look up to see Phil’s reaction. “I worry. Of course I worry because you seem fine and then you crash so hard and then I’m not sure you were ever fine in the first place and that you were just covering everything up like we all know you do so well. And… I try to help, but I don’t know if it’s enough. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what to do.” Martyn didn’t bother to hide how defeated he was.

 

The silence was heavy and the tick of the clock had never been louder. As it stretched on Martyn began to think that Phil was going to ignore him, not say anything at all but then he cleared his throat.  

 

“I’m sorry, I don’t really know what to say.” Phil’s voice sounded rough and exhausted. “But I’ve never told you how grateful I am that you let me stay here. I know it never seems like it and to be honest I hated it at first, but I really am thankful that you put up with my shit. I know it must suck for you, you just got out and then you and your wife are stuck with me when you never asked for it.” Phil blubbered, stumbling through his words, but they still got through anyway. Martyn grinned in relief, happy he got at least something back.

 

“No problem little brother, that’s what family is for.” Martyn said, the grin never leaving his face as Phil glared at him. Martyn let out a sigh of relief and laughed “And thank god that’s over, that was awkward.” He even got a smile from Phil.

 

As the laughter died down Martyn frowned “It’s weird that we used to hate each other. Like actual hate, and everything was a competition.”

 

“Yeah, I always forget about that, I guess so much as change. We’re both older and more mature.

 

Martyn gave Phil a skeptical side look. “Mature eh, please remind me who’s been locked in their room for the last two weeks, blaring music like some emo teen.”

 

Phil grinned at Martyn, shoving him with a quick move of the arm. “I take it back entirely, I still hate you.”

 

As the two settled down again, both happier now that they had talked, Martyn remembered one last thing.

 

“One last question Phil. Why have you only been skipping English class? I mean isn’t that like one of your favourite classes? Why not business? You hate that class!”

 

“Ummm” Martyn watched as Phil’s cheeks grew red, but before he could say anything else to the door of the Headmasters office swung open.

 

“You can come in now.”

 

\---

If the waiting room was bright, the headmaster’s office was luminous. Phil guessed that it was an attempt to lift the student’s moods up, but it was doing nothing of the sort. In fact, Phil had gone from feeling relieved at dodging a possible awkward conversation to feeling a deep sense of regret when he realised why he was there.

He tuned out the headmaster droning on, letting Martyn talk and allowing his thoughts drift away to what Martyn had said earlier. He knew Martyn worried but he didn’t realise how much. Sometimes he was so used to them hating each other he forgot that they had both moved on since then and now he just wanted to look out for Phil. He felt so blind. How could he be so stupid and selfish? Phil told himself that he would try harder to not be a mess, even if that was an empty promise.

Phil tuned back into the conversation when Martyn nudged him.

“We are aware of your behavior in your last school and so far, haven’t seen you repeat it. Besides this incident, you haven’t caused any trouble and have a good attendance. Unfortunately, there will have to be a consequence. I don’t want to punish you, I want you to succeed, which is why we do not think that a suspension is the kind of consequence that would teach you a lesson in this instance.” The headmaster said as he flittered through some papers on his desk. “So, as an alternative we want you to join an after-school club.”

Phil glanced unwillingly down at the posters that the headmaster had spread before them. A club? That did _not_ sound like his kind of thing. He saw Martyn give him a concerned look out of the corner of his eye.

“What clubs are there to choose from?” Martyn asked.

“Well, there is art club, band, drama…” The headmaster continued to list clubs, but Phil was no longer paying attention as his eyes lit up in realisation.

 _‘Drama! That’s what I can do! Louise and PJ are in it, and I can help with lighting or maybe even film the end of year play! Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.”_ Phil thought joyfully.

“Drama!” both the headmaster and Martyn turned to look at him with the sudden exclamation, and Phil felt his cheeks heat up. He spoke again, this time a lot quieter. “I’ll do drama.”

“Excellent choice! You will have to report to the supervising teacher every lesson, and while you will not be required to participate in the end of year play, we expect you to help with some aspect of it. If the teacher says you aren’t participating then you will be back here to organise a suspension. Of course, I expect you to attend all your classes again as failure to do so will result in suspension. We have been kind to you Phil, I believe that getting you more involved with the school will benefit you more than taking away class time. Don’t waste this opportunity.”  

Phil nodded in understanding. This didn’t sound too hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its been a couple of weeks since I updated, I've been busy with school and unfortunately, that is how its probably going to be for a while. The song throughout the chapter is called Youth by daughter so I recommend you go listen if you have never heard it before.


	10. Chapter9

The late afternoon sun peeked through the clouds and graced the churches worn limestone exterior, allowing light to shine through the elegant stained glass windows and directly into Daniel Howells face.

_‘Fantastic’_ Dan thought. He had forgotten about the unknown edge lord dickhead that threw a rock at the church's pride and joy in the middle of the night. Dan experienced the most joy he had ever gotten from church when he arrived one Sunday to find a hole where baby Jesus’s head had once been, though things changed when it never ended up getting fixed. Now, when normally the stained glass would provide a comforting warm glow, the hole only served as a stream of blinding light into the face of an unfortunate whenever the sun decided to make an appearance. Today he was the unfortunate.

Dan could remember loving church when he was young, before he could understand all the words, everything they taught. The community, the happiness, and the songs seem to link everybody together in a cheerful bond that made him feel at home, made him feel free. It had been something he cherished as a child, but has he grew and started to actually listen to what the priest was saying it all got yanked away from him as he realised that maybe this wasn’t his family after all. Now as he stared at the golden cross hung on the wall Dan felt claustrophobic, even with the high ceiling and the (very) natural light filtering through the stained glass.

“In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” The priest crossed himself, bright smile on his rosy face.

Dan considered not saying anything, lips tightly pressed together, but sighed quietly when both his parents glanced down at him expectantly.

“Amen,” he muttered.

“May the grace and the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you!”

“And with your spirit.”

Voices echoed off the windows and limestone walls, Dan’s sarcastic addition lost in the chorus. Dan fought the urge to shove his hands in his pockets (or maybe a knife in his chest) and groan. If there was anything he hated, it was confrontation, and church was a few thousand bricks and a hundred people’s worth of confrontation.

He wasn’t sure what was worse, the aura of brimming understanding and forgiveness emanating from the priest that seemed entirely forced, or the hum of faith he can almost  _hear_ running through the veins of everyone’s clasped hands. The complete devotion on his parents’ faces as they sang along with the church choir, or the fact that Dan was forced to mouth the words even though this was the last place he belonged in.

The fact he was even there was a tragedy. It was currently a Wednesday afternoon, and while normally he would be at home finishing homework or playing Xbox, he had been forced out of the house and to church as punishment for coming back late the other night. Dan’s parents were not happy when he got home an hour later then he should have been, still in mild shock after what happened with Phil. Dan barely had any time to recover before they were onto him, discussing punishments and why Dan had done it in the first place. Was he having trouble at school? Was he purposely misbehaving? Is this his way of disrespecting them? The list went on for Mr. and Mrs. Howell as they tried to figure out why he would be so disrespectful, completely disregarding anything Dan tried to tell them, as he was a liar after all.

By the end of the night Dan’s parents had decided that more time in church was the only appropriate answer, but when Dan didn’t seem overly upset they decided that it would be best if they took away his Xbox for a month too, just to make sure he regretted it.

Today Dan had something to look forward to though, as it was currently his final day of punishment. Tomorrow he would be a free man.

Dan understood why his parents were mad, but in his eyes, the punishment didn’t fit the crime. And if this was the punishment for something as small as losing track of time, he didn’t want to find out what the punishment would be for something more significant.

A sharp pinch on his leg brought him back to reality and he turned to face his glaring mum. He came to realise that everyone else in the church was singing and he quickly joined in, half a beat late.

“Keep up Dan!” His mother hissed urgently, not waiting for a response before turning back to the front, but Dan tuned out again after fifteen minutes of automatic repetition familiar to him from over ten years of going to church. His mind wandered off again, though this time back to a topic that he had been trying to banish for weeks with little success: Phil Lester.

As much as he hated to admit it, Phil Lester had had a bigger impact on him then he let on. Chris had pestered him about that night, but Dan gave nothing away, unsure of what happened himself. One second Dan was telling Phil way too much about himself (God knows why) and the next Dan was standing alone in the middle of the pavement. He couldn’t help but feel a little self-conscious. Was it something he said that drove Phil away? Did he make him feel _that_ uncomfortable? Dan didn’t know. He didn’t get to find out either, as when he went to apologise to Phil next English lesson he was nowhere to be found, nor the next lesson, or the next lesson. In fact, Dan hadn’t seen Phil in about a month, not in the halls, not in class. He would probably think Phil had left the school if it wasn’t for his name still being called every class, and the continuous stream of stories and rumours of ‘Phil did this’ and ‘Phil kissed her’ the still circulated the school like a virus.

When Mass was over Dan tried to lead his parents out the door but they made no motion of leaving, only walking further into the church to talk to their friends. After a long-winded conversation that Dan concluded would be the death of him, his parents started to say goodbye and return to the car.

Once in the car though, the situation wasn’t much better. There was an odd tension like his parents were waiting for something at it left Dan feeling on edge. He didn’t have to wait long to find out what it was. His dad cleared his throat.

“The family we were talking to before have a daughter named Katherine. Do you remember us mentioning her?”

He racked his memory but came up with nothing. Either way, Dan wasn’t feeling confident about this. “No? I don’t think so.”

Mr. Howell nodded, hummed in understanding. “We mentioned her a while back, I didn’t really expect you to remember.” At that Dan gritted his teeth, reigning in almost spoken in insults. That was defiantly a dig at him.

“Sorry, I’ve had a lot on my mind.” Dan bit back, barely controlling his tone of voice.

His dad merely hummed again. “She is a nice young girl, about your age. We were thinking of inviting her and her family around eventually so you can get to know each other.” As the car stopped at a red light he turned back to look at Dan. “We think she will be a good influence on you.”

_Now_ Dan remembered that horrible conversation they had had. That had not been a good day for him and that awkward talk had been the cherry on top. Katherine. He tried to find a memory of her in his brain but nothing clear came up, all he remembered was that they hadn’t really gotten along well, albite it was a long time ago. Regardless, this wasn’t something he wanted to do.

“Oh yeah, I remember now, but do we really need to do this? Setting us up is a bit old fashion innit. I’m sure I will find a nice girl eventually.”

“We had already talked to her parents now, so you might as well go through with it, see how it works out. Besides, we know her and she is a lovely girl, and with how you have acting lately I’m not convinced you are capable of surrounding yourself the right kind of people”

_‘Yeah, Christian people. It doesn’t matter how nice you are in the end.’_ Dan thought bitterly.

“It’s for the best, sweetie.” Mrs. Howell finally chimed in, and Dan felt his eyes start to sting. It pissed him off, how his mum always said something like that after lecturing him or getting him in trouble for something that probably didn’t even matter. Acted like she cared about his wellbeing when really her care ended at who he could and could not be.

Dan noticed that they were driving past his school.

“Hey, can you pull over here, I left some books at school and I thought I could get them after Church.”

Dan was quick to get out of the car and pace towards the school. There was no way in hell he was letting them see him cry, no way. He power-walked to the bathroom and collapsed against the door. Eyes wet and bloodshot, he let himself breath, repeating the steps he read online about how to stop a panic attack. He felt stupid and childish, he should be used to this by now, he had had years to learn how to put up with their shit, yet here he was. Here he was having a panic attack on the bathroom floor, letting his parent’s words get to him, not being strong enough to hold it together.

It was moments like these that made Dan feel hopeless. Moments like these when he was crumpled on the bathroom floor, pressed against the cold, hard, unforgiving tiles. When all he could smell was the residue of cigarette smoke from when the boys came here to smoke at lunch. When his eyes meet his reflection, and all he sees is a small huddled figure with watery eyes and red blotchy face that looked so, so drained of life. When his breathing became more rapid and shallow and the anxiety pressing against his chest like a balloon made his hands shake and head spin, until it felt like icy cold water was surging around his body and pulling him under.

It was in these moments when he felt like he had hit rock bottom, the epitome of hopelessness. Like he was stuck while all his friends lived their lives without him, and Dan was still here, going to church every Sunday, listening to his parents get mad at him, and never going anywhere. He felt trapped in the life that was given to him, as stupid as it sounded. And it was moments like these when he really felt it, the hopelessness and emptiness closing in on him and there was nothing he could do about it. He wished he was more like Chris, or Louise, the girl who he met the other night, or dare he say, Phil Lester. He seemed pretty fucking happy all the time. Dan quickly back-tracked. Maybe not Phil Lester, judging by the other night.

_‘For fuck sake stop thinking about him!’_

Dan needed to get his shit together before his parents started to wonder where he was.

**[5.53pm] Chris:** I have had the worst afternoon ever, I will tell you when I get out of drama I just thought I should prepare you.

You know what, his parents could wait.

**[5.55pm] Dan:** Drama finishes at 6 right? I’m at school rn I will just come to drama room now, this better be good.

**[5.56pm] Chris:** Wow u at school now, what a fucking loser. And don’t worry I’m sure you will find much joy in my suffering

\--

Today was a clusterfuck of a lot of things, but most of them had to do with Chris suffering. It was already bad enough that he felt like he did not understand a single thing he was taught today, but the entire situation got worse when he went to drama club. See the last few weeks had been a time of self-discovery for Chris, and during this time he came to the revelation that he may not be as straight as he originally thought. Chris had always been into girls, whether it was Katie or Sarah or someone else it had always been girls. Until now. Until PJ.

PJ was new to the drama club this year, so Chris had never really talked to him before. It only took one conversation for the crush to develop, and Chris spent some time thinking about why he liked him in the first place, but it didn’t take long for him to figure it out. PJ was creative in everything he did, whether it was prop design, photography or acting he was sure to tackle it with an unfathomable passion. All he seemed to do was create things, beautiful things. Chris was almost equally as jealous of PJ as he was infatuated with him. It was because of these qualities, because he was laid back, mature (or more mature than Chris), creative and passionate, that Chris liked him. It also meant that he was way out of his league.

So Chris had been sitting on this crush without telling anyone, one part because obviously nothing will other happen, and one part because he still wasn’t sure to make of it. It was so out of the blue that Chris often began to start questioning if he really likes PJ? Maybe he just admired him? Those questions ended after what happened today though. Chris, for the first time, was majorly jealous of another person talking with PJ. He was definitely fucked, and it was at the hands of Phil fucking Lester no less.

Ten minutes into drama, a tall lanky figure walked right through the door with a cheery “afternoon” to the teacher on duty before he waltzed over to PJ. Chris recognized him as Phil from that night out with his friends and Dan. Also known as the walking disaster that somehow got his best friend caught up in his whirlwind of fuckery.

Also the very reason why Dan had been all over the place as of late, sometimes even snapping at Chris for the littlest things – like giving Dan a little _too_ much shit, or talking too loudly at lunch, or  _breathing_.

Chris only vaguely knew of Phil and his reputation as a shameless flirt. The guy probably tried to make out with Dan or something, and Dan would’ve freaked at that, he guessed. Chris didn’t really know what went down, but he did know that as Dan’s best bud here, he had a duty to shit on everything Phil loved.

_‘But now he’s shitting on everything I love,’_ Chris suddenly thought, interrupting himself. ‘ _Irony. Great.’_

Back to the beginning of class. So Phil had plunked down into the spot opposite Chris, smiling unknowingly when he saw Chris looking at him. He gave the guy his best withering look and flicked his middle finger before turning back to listen to the leader of the club. Phil looked surprised and hurt, and Chris almost felt bad until Phil looked around before pointing to himself, mouthing “ _me?_ ”

Ray had fought the urge to snicker as he thought about how much of a fucking idiot he was that he didn’t know who Chris was. How many people had he managed to piss off lately?

But soon Phil turned his attention away from Chris and back to PJ, which was something he definitely did not appreciate.

Chris spent most of the afternoon trying to listen into their conversations, only vaguely managing to piece together words and sentences into something coherent. But most of the time what they were talking about wasn’t interesting, it was more how they acted. Phil would often sling an arm around PJ as he made a joke, leaning in for support as he giggled. PJ, while more subdued would occasionally ruffle Phil’s perfectly straightened hair to earn an indignant cry from the other boy. Chris had felt a pang of jealousy at the action, realizing how close the two apparently were as they continued to banter back and forth.

Chris hated Phil. For everything.

Dan’s texts had brought him back to reality. He didn’t really know why Dan was even at school but he wasn’t complaining. He was so ready to vent to him about how much shit had to put up with today, and he was sure that Dan would be able to relate to his hate of Phil Lester. He was too busy texting to notice as a figure brushed past him until they accidentally hit his phone out of his hand and onto the floor.

Chris stared at the Phone in horror as it lay face down on the floor. If that thing wasn’t smashed Chris would shit bricks, he may even believe in god again. As he worked up the courage to check if it was broken, another person bent down and beat him to it, delicately examining the phone and before letting out a sigh.

“Jesus Christ I am so sorry, I’m such a klutz sometimes.”

Chris froze in horror before finally looking up to see who he already knew it was. Brown eyes met sea green.

“U..Um…no worries, right?” Chris nervously scratched the back of his head as he stuttered out a reply, impressed with himself for even managing that, even if it came out as a question rather than a statement.

PJ smiled at him brightly before looking back at the screen. Chris was too busy dying to notice that his phone was still on and opened to messages.

“Had a bad day, did you?” PJ asked sympathetically, but when Chris didn’t catch on he gestured to the phone in his hand. Confusion quickly yielded to horror when he realised that he was referring to his conversation with Dan, and did a quick mental scan to check that he didn’t mention PJ at any point.

“O-oh yeah, shit teachers you know, didn’t understand anything,.” Chris said, stumbling over his words.

_‘Way to make yourself look good Chris.’_

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” PJ agreed, smiling in amusement as he handed back the Phone. Chris almost snatched it back with such velocity that he almost sent it flying again, which thankfully, went unmentioned.

“I got a go, but I hope you have a better evening.” PJ comforted, and he quickly stepped past him, lightly patting him on the back as he went. “See you next week.”

His back burned where PJ had touched him as he swayed, frozen in shock. He was so fucked.

 

Phil watched with amusement as PJ made his way back to him.

“You are totally hitting on Dan’s friend.” Phil hissed under his breath.

“Dan?”

“He was there that night when you all went out, remembe,” Phil answered as he watched the recognition flitter on PJ’s face, nodding in understanding.

“Was breaking his Phone planned?” Phil teased, watching as Chris not so subtly glanced over at the pair. “If so, very classy.”

“Shut up Lester, it’s not like you are any better. Haven’t heard much about that _Dan_ now have we?” PJ shot back, grinning as Phil’s face turned bright red. Phil bit his lip and turned away, refusing to let PJ see how that got to him.

“You’re bloody awful,” Phil told him after a moment.

The green-eyed boy shrugged, unperturbed. He glanced over at Chris, who quickly found great interest in the floor in an attempt to not embarrass himself again. “It is what it is. Do what you want, Phil. I’ll do what I do.” His lips twitched up impossibly higher and he watched Chris blush.

Phil smiled mischievously as he came up with an idea to get back at PJ. “Of course,  _love_.” He said as loudly as possible, extenuating his northern accent, throwing his arms around PJ, giggling, and this time, he wasn’t jabbed in the ribs for his efforts. The two guys hugged it out. Chris seemed to be glued in place.

PJ patted Phil’s head affectionately and pulled back to fix him with a look.

“I might be an asshole, but you’re an even bigger piece of shit,” PJ said lowly, so nobody else could hear. Phil grinned in response, feeling slightly guilty.

“Don’t you know it.”

PJ was about to say something back when he was interrupted by the sound of someone running loudly down the hall in their general direction. Whoever it was, they streaked by in the flash of brown hair and pale skin before skidding to a halt and backtracking to the drama club room

“There you are Chris!” a voice called out, sounding very out of breath.

Chris pricked up his ears and whipped his head towards the entrance of the room. “Dan?” He said incredulously, like he forgot he was coming, before clambering out of his chair eagerly. “Let’s roll, we can talk outside.”

“Thank fucking god this was the right room, I would have probably had a mental break down.” the brown-haired boy muttered to himself, completely missing figure that quickly stepped behind his friend in his peripheral view, too focused on not getting shoved back out of the classroom by the horde of people leaving.

After waiting for the door to clear up the pair left the room and Chris began to start his story.

“Ok, so I have had the worst day ever. First of al-” The sound of footsteps thundering down the hallway away from them was enough to startle them, both turning around to see who it was.

Dan’s eyes widened when he saw the pale figure running away from him. “Phil?” he whispered incredulously, before realising there was no way he would have heard him. “Phil!” he shouted, “Come back here I need to talk to you!”

When Phil made no effort to stop he decided that he was not spending another four weeks being avoided, after finding him in drama club of all places.

“Hey get _back here_!”

Chris watched his friend run off and sighed. Yeah, this really was the worst day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there goes any semblance of a schedule I might have had. I'm so sorry it took so long for me to get this chapter out, but life has been chaotic and stressful as of late, but this chapter is almost 4k words so hopefully, it makes up for some of that. I think I'm going to abandon my schedule for now as I don't want you guys waiting for an update on a day it won't come. Instead, I'm going to go with posting it whenever I finish, whether that is 3 days or 3 weeks. One thing I promise though is that I will finish this. This is something I really want to do and I really love the story. I will finish this, it just might take a while. Anyway thanks for reading this shitty story and supporting it, I honestly didn't think people would like this and I was so happy when I saw it reached 40 kudos. Also sorry if this has any mistakes, I wanted to get this out before I went to bed, so I will go through it in the morning.


	11. Chapter 10

Dan cursed and wheezed as he ran after Phil, suddenly strongly regretting not taking up a sport. “I am so out of shape” He muttered under his breath as he willed his legs to go faster “Stop Phil, why are you running?!”

But Phil was faster than he anticipated and he soon lost him after turning a corner. Dan slowed to a walk.

From the outside, it probably seemed like he took off after Phil because he was out to get him and potentially murder him. And the expressions the two wore probably didn’t help either; Dan looked irritated, and Phil had looked comically frightened.

But hey, he’d take what he can get; nobody should be getting the wrong idea here. He followed him because he was angry and needed answers, not just because it was Phil. And he most certainly didn’t bolt after him without a second thought because he missed the guy.

Dan scowled, thinking of his quiet, peaceful English lessons from the past month and the quality notes he took. If he kept it going he would get amazing marks. But then his mind traitorously flashed to classes with Phil with all his chaos, laughter, sunshine and warmth. Carved out of him was the absence of stupid chattering and weird questions complete with his idiotic, cheery demeanor.

Dan shunned himself for getting so attached to the boy without even realising it, only to feel shit when Phil started to avoid him. Hell, he didn’t even know how they fucked it all over so quickly, but Dan wasn’t sure if Phil even considered them friends anymore, even though he seemed to consider everyone as such. Dan knew that he would swallow his pride and even  _apologize_ if it meant things would be alright between the two of them. He cringed. He didn’t even know what he did or said that night to make Phil hate him, but it would have had to be something bad if Phil was so adamant about avoiding him. He had tried to convince himself that he owed Phil nothing, that he was in the right, but it didn’t work. He must have done something, he just couldn’t figure it out.

 _‘Maybe he just thinks your weird after you went all personal and stuff.’_ Dan thinks, anxiety eating at his stomach. _‘Maybe you’re not worth his time.’_

Dan does his best to shut that thought pattern down.

He hated his mind’s inconsistency; one second he just wanted Phil to leave him alone and the next he was missing him.

And Dan didn’t want to seem desperate, but he was slowly starting to panic about losing the guy he held such a fragile connection with. His eyes would subconsciously scan the room during his classes and in the halls for the black hair, only to come up empty every time.

But no, he didn’t  _miss_ Phil.

That would be stupid.

Why on earth would Daniel Howell miss Phil Lester?

Pushing open the heavy door of the school, Dan’s stomach flip-flopped as he half-expected to see Phil sitting on the steps there, waiting for him with a flash of blue and a bright smile. The entrance was empty, and the sun that was out before had hidden itself with a cloud. Typical.

Dan sighed heavily and doubled over to catch his breath. There was no denying now that Phil had been avoiding him, and now Dan might have missed the only chance to talk to him for ages. Dan slowly lowered himself to the ground, his parents would be expecting him back any minute and he had completely ditched Chris, he wouldn’t be surprised if he was pissed.

There was the sound of the school doors opening behind him and for a stupidly hopeful second he thought it was Phil, but when he turned he didn’t recognise who stood before him. Actually, as Dan looked closer he realised there actually was something familiar about her. He had seen that fiery red hair before. She hadn’t noticed him yet as she was violently tapping away at her phone, forehead creased and eyes worried.

It wasn’t until she looked up from her phone and their eyes met did Dan realise he was staring. Blush crept onto his cheeks and he quickly looked away, completely missing the look of recognition on her face.

“Hey, hey,” The girl piped up behind Dan while he contemplated how sweet death would be right now. He did not want to answer but he knew it would be even more awkward if he didn’t.

 “Yeah, is there anything wrong?” Dan said with his most convincing ‘I’m totally fine having this conversation’ voice.

The girl looked confused for a second “Wait, you don’t recognize me, do you?” The redhead had a sudden realization. “I guess we did only meet briefly…once.”

‘ _Ah so I do know her’_ Dan though, but as hard as he tried he tried he couldn’t picture where from. She was too old to be a student and she didn’t look like the ‘respectable Christian’ he parents would be friends with.

“Hey, so this is pretty creepy –“ she started, digging her phone back out of her pocket.

“Kind of.” Dan joked quietly, earning a laugh and a wide smile making Dan instantly more comfortable. She didn’t seem like someone he would be afraid of.

“Here, let me introduce myself, I’m Cornelia. I saw you outside of the café the other week. But anyway, you’re friends with Phil, right?”

Dan's head fell to his feet, everything going wrong in his life coming back to him in one swoop. “Yeah kind of, so? Isn’t half the world?” He answered semi bitterly.

Cornelia shook her head amusedly. “No, Phil has friends, and then he has  _friends_.” Before Dan could try and figure out what he meant by that, Cornelia continued on. “You don’t happen to know where he is, do you?”

“Umm… not really, I saw him go this way though.”

Cornelia seemed to brighten up after that. “Oh, so he was here this afternoon. Wait he was in drama club, right?”

“Yeah, that’s where he came from at least.” He answered, confused as to why she wanted to know.

“Oh Thank god, he would be in so much shit if he missed that.” She said to herself, before realising she still had an audience. “Sorry to bother you, thank you so much!”

Dan couldn’t help but smile at her cheeriness, it almost reminded him of _‘shut up!’._

“Yeah, no problem,” Dan looked regretfully over to the direction his parents were parked. “I should probably go through.”

“Oh, of course, I won’t keep you waiting.”

Dan was halfway down the stairs when she called after him again.

“Hey, I’m so sorry I know you need to leave but…” she looked unsure if she should continue, biting her lip in worry “can do me a favour and text Phil? He’s all bent out of shape and could do with some cheering up. You can probably help. Plus, my ears are going to start bleeding from his music.” She muttered that last part to herself as she ran down the steps, but Dan heard her anyway.

Shifting his weight from one foot to another, Dan stared at Cornelia. She must have gotten the wrong impression of their friendship, if you could even call it that.

“Look, I don’t know what gave you the impression that me and Phil are good friends, but I don’t even have the guy’s number,”

Surprised, Cornelia’s mouth formed an “o” as she fumbled for a pen and grabbed Dan’s hand, ignoring his indignant yelling as she scribbled some digits onto his palm. “There that’s his number. If you can, please text him. I think it would make him feel a lot better.”

And with that, she was gone, seeming intent with ensuring that Dan couldn’t get a word out. As she drove away she smiled, she wasn’t sure if what she did would help, but went with her gut feeling. That kid meant something to Phil.

Dan stared at the car pulling out of the lot before resuming walking again, weirded out and anxious about the swift and unanticipated exchange. Sure, Cornelia was now gone, but the woman replaced herself with something potentially far more problematic.

He stared at the ink on his hand.

**_07915 128146_ **

Later that night, Dan sprawled out on his bed and opened his palm to the same slightly-smudged numbers. He was bored. He played through some stupid indie games and hated every one of them, and Chris was out doing something for the night with his family, so he couldn’t call him. He screwed up his face as he made up his mind, reaching for his phone knowing he’d probably regret this.

“Fuck it. He probably already hates me.”

 **[8:05 PM] Dan:** Phil.

He almost dropped the phone on his face as it vibrated with a reply almost immediately.

 **[8:05 PM] Phil:** Stranger! (:  
**[8:05 PM] Phil:** how are you this fine evening

Dan snorted. Of course, he would spout something so stupidly polite to a random text out of the blue. Does he get these often? He decided he didn’t want to know.

 **[8:06 PM] Dan:** could be better  
**[8:06 PM] Dan:** you’re avoiding me and I’m doing something stupid again

Dan decided it was vastly easier to talk to Phil over text.

_‘Coward.’_

**[8:07 PM] Phil:**???

 **[8:07 PM] Dan:** but here we are  
**[8:07 PM] Dan:** having a neat convo

 **[8:13 PM] Phil:**...Dan?

 **[8:14 PM] Dan:** who else have you been fucking evading lately?

Dan could almost see Phil surprised face, freaking out over what to do, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards without himself noticing.

 **[8:19 PM] Phil:** HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU GET MY NUMBER

He laughed aloud, rolling over. Five whole minutes later, and that’s all Phil was able to process? Dan could almost hear the northern accent. Dan found himself smiling, unable to help himself. The top corner of his phone lit up with an icon, indicating a new Skype message from Chris. He ignored it, fingers hovering over his screen.  

Biting the inside of his cheek, he sent a text back in a flash of impulse.

 **[8:20PM] Dan:** aw missed you too

 **[8:30 PM] Phil:** laksfhufjlkajfks djhkfsg’;hkgdklfj  
**[8:30 PM] Phil:** asjfkghg  
**[8:30 PM] Phil:** I have definitely not missed you!

 **[8:32 PM] Dan:** that sucks

Dan bit his lip, Phil didn’t seem angry at him or anything but this could be pushing it. He decided to do it before he chickened out.

  
**[8:34 PM] Dan:** thought we were friends

As the minutes ticked on Dan started to get more and more anxious. Of course Phil would be weirded out by the text, he was probably still angry. Dan was too busy wallowing in sadness that he almost didn’t hear the notification for the text.

 **[8:50 PM] Phil:** we are?

 **[8:50 PM] Dan:** aren’t we

A minute turned ten, and the ten minutes turned into an hour. But there was no reply after that.

Dan almost rolled himself right off the bed, anxious. That could have gone over better. After over five more obnoxious notification noises from Skype, he changed his status to Do Not Disturb and skimmed over Chris’s probing messages without replying, feeling a headache coming on.

 **[8:20 PM] Chris:**  Hey man I’m home. Come online and play some GTA with me  
**[8:20 PM] Chris:** still slightly pissed that you ditched me but I’m sure it will be resolved once I run you over a couple times in the game.  
**[8:25 PM] Chris:** Hello??

 **[8.50 PM] Chris:** r u with Phil?

 **[8.55 PM] Chris:** What happened with that anyway

 **[8.55 PM] Chris:** you still haven’t told me about what happened between you and Phil

 **[9.03 PM] Chris:** It seems important, did you sort it out.

 **[9:10 PM] Chris:** I think he is bad news man

 **[9:10PM]** **Chris:** Sorry for the spam. night

Dan felt a pang of guilt, but couldn’t bring himself to reply. He convinced himself it was alright and that he’d text Chris later, since he was offline now. A big fucking lie, and he knew it. However, he was tired as fuck, still feeling shitty about Phil, and definitely didn’t want to talk about it. So, he let it go, turning off the light and going to bed.

 

As it turned out, Dan needn’t have been so anxious on the Phil front – come next day, the Northern boy slipped silently into the seat beside Dan during English, just as Mr. Kolter had begun teaching.

Phil didn’t say a word; he just stared straight ahead at the board and drummed his fingers on the desk nervously as he worried his lip to pieces.

Secretly thrilled that he showed up, Dan tried to act as nonchalant as possible as he continued to write notes on what the teacher was saying while avoiding Phil’s furtive sidelong glances. But his face was betraying himself. As his mouth creased into the barest of smiles, Phil decided to take his chances.

“Dan?” The northern boy whispered timidly.

“Yes, Phil?”

Dan thoroughly relished the flustered look on Phil’s face; it was not often that he found him at a loss for words. It had always been the other way around. But then Phil blurted out a question and Dan had to put down his pen.

“You’re not mad at me?”

He turned with a quizzical look.

“Why the hell would  _I_  be mad at  _you_?” He asked.

Phil fidgeted with his hands. “Because…?”

The air between them became laden with unsaid words but as Dan and Phil looked each other in the eye, they came to a silent agreement. Both of them thought about that night and their strained conversation. They were both unwilling to bring it up, so neither of them would.

Don’t discuss it.

 _‘If anything, I should be the one apologizing’._ Dan blew out a gust of air. He couldn’t believe Phil had been dodging him for a month and skipping all his English classes all for the sake of avoiding confrontation. Just because he thought he made him  _upset._

Granted, he was upset, and sort of still is. Just not at Phil, specifically.

“I’m not pissed at you, you spork” Dan muttered, breaking the silence and the awkward air hanging between the two of them. The English lesson droned on in the background. He reached into his bag for a notebook, which he thrust in Phil’s direction. “Here. I copied down some of the shit you missed.”

Eyes wide, Phil accepted it hesitantly. “Oh.” He said softly. “Dan, you didn’t have to –“ He looked up at Dan, eyes clear, bright blue, and affectionate as he eased up.

“Shut your mouth. I thought you were sick or dying or something, alright?” Dan snapped, face flushing as he averted his gaze. “You’re probably failing the class by now.”

Clutching the book in his hands, Phil beamed at the back of the brown haired boy’s head. He refrained from mentioning that he was doing just fine, thank you, and had spent the last couple of days catching up on all the work he had missed. Besides, he actually liked this subject.

“This is amazing Dan,” he exclaimed, flipping through the pages.

Dan, still embarrassed, refused to turn back around. “Whatever, at least you’re back in class now,” he mumbled, only to give a yell of surprise as Phil promptly flung himself onto him to give him a hug.

“So we’re really friends? We’re alright? Thought you hated me!” Phil laughed as Dan tried to throw him off to no avail.

Dan cracked a smile. “Friends. Yeah, of course.”

At the front of the class, Mr. Kolter stopped mid-sentence in surprise as he spotted the familiar pair laughing near the back of the class, voices carrying. He automatically opened his mouth to call them out but then decided against it as they settled down again.

The class gradually started bubbling with quiet conversation as Kolter smiled to himself, privately glad that Phil and his friend were back together and that the Northern boy was attending his classes again. Clearing his throat, he gestured for his students to simmer down.

“Alright, alright. Now, where were we…”

Dan did his best to pull his face into a frown, but couldn’t help but grin to himself as he took up his pen again. Phil, who didn’t bring anything again, sat with his chin in his hands and watched Dan’s expression contort out of the corner of his eye in amusement. Dimples would grace the pale boy’s face for a split second, only to smooth out again as his eyebrows knit together in concentration. And then they would appear all over again. Dimples. No dimples. Dimples.

Phil swallowed a giggle as he shifted to see the teacher write something on the board, elated that he was actually talking to Dan again. He could hardly believe it – they just glossed over their interaction that cringe-worthy night and pretended nothing happened. It was more than he could have hoped for. He almost had a heart attack when Dan texted him unexpectedly after he ran away from him like the idiot he was the other day.

(He had to rush out the house and find a friend to smoke with after Dan’s last text; he got home at one in the morning completely stoned and ate almost all of Martin’s favourite snacks. Needless to say, nobody was really happy the next morning.)

Phil chewed at his lip thoughtfully, again wondering how Dan got his phone number. Someone must’ve given it to him. Didn’t matter, they were friends again, and for real this time. He really thought he messed it up completely and utterly this time, but Dan was full of surprises. The boy wasn’t as unapproachable and awkward as he tried to come off as.

Thinking about how he was probably one of the rare few people who got to see Dan for who he really was, Phil smiled and giddily nudged Dan, causing a streak of pen to go up the boy’s paper.

“Fucking HELL –“Phil smiled even wider as Dan stopped himself and glared at him with a sigh. “What is it, Phil?” Dan couldn’t help but drop his angry look as the Black haired boy beamed brightly.

“Nothing.”

  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back my dudes! Anyway, sorry for the long wait but It's finally holidays again for me so I should be able to write some more now. Hope you enjoyed the update and are glad to see our boys back on track. Also if you see that I haven't updated in a while feel free to come and harass me, cause sometimes that's what I need to get me motivated. See you (Hopefully) soon for the next update :)


	12. Chapter 11

As the term flew by Dan soon found himself falling effortlessly into a routine, planning around whichever days he had to go to church. He’d wake up early every day besides Saturday, go to school, come home and play Xbox or chat with Chris if he was in, game alone if he wasn’t, do homework, have his nightly awkward family dinner which he despised greatly, and then watch some of his favourite Youtubers until his dad came and told him to go to bed.

It was all pretty fine, everything was the same as it had always been.

What he didn’t expect, however, was Phil Lester.

(But then again, who could ever predict Phil Lester?)

Since the whole incidence had been cleared up, Phil has quickly returned to his usual bright self and things had fallen back into the same rhythm again.

The happy northern boy, every English lesson without fail, would bound up to him excitedly and plopping down in the next seat over. He would always have a coffee or snack in hand, and as Dan soon noticed after a couple of classes, never a writing utensil. Not for writing, at least. No, he’d spin his pen in his hand or irritatingly poke Dan with it, causing him to flip out in rage. Though one thing was different this time though, as now Dan’s scowl would quickly form into a grin as he couldn’t help but laugh at whatever unusual thing Phil had said, and the conversation was no longer one-sided. 

Mr Kotler, exasperated with the pair’s antics, stopped calling them out on their disturbances after two weeks. Phil and his lanky, brown-haired partner soon became common knowledge for those who attended the class, and funnily enough, (oblivious) Dan never noticed that Phil’s friends never searched him out. It was always just the two of them.

Though some days, Dan would show up in the morning with a migraine and refuse to indulge Phil (“Dan, what’s the matter with you? Are you ok?”), causing the other boy to sit there in worry that the Dan was mad at him for something, believing they had reverted back to their old ways. He had quickly covered it up as he would make conversation with those around him to ensure his carefree reputation.

Some days, Phil would show up halfway through the class with only a bottle of water and a bagel stashed in his bag looking like crap, but Dan would just assume he was hungover and let the conversation drift, allowing for the miserable looking boy to rest.

Some days Phil Lester didn’t show up at all. Dan would ignore the disappointed hum in his chest as he sat alone and diligently took notes for himself and tried not to scan the crowd for a head of raven hair (and he was most certainly not taking excellent notes for a certain Northern boy in case he’d ask Dan for them later when he showed up to class again).

But usually, Dan Howell would show up to class and Phil Lester would appear soon after.

“Dan! How are you this fine morning?” Phil said in a suspiciously posh accent.

“Hey! Are you mocking me?”

“Aw, of course not, I would never.”

They continued their banter like this, Phil still all sunshine and Dan fending off any attempt at friendly conversation until he couldn’t help but smile.

Dan would think back to before the incident and wondered what had changed, and then one day it hit him in the fucking gut.

He had always _enjoying_ getting mad at Phil Lester. He had to put considerable effort into not liking the idiotic northern boy.

And that never happened; Dan was good at holding people at arm’s length, but Phil seemed to have a gift for not knowing where boundaries were and ignoring blaring social signals that told him to  _back off already,_ and had slowly wormed his way into Dan’s heart without him realising it. Perhaps Phil knew deep down that Dan never really meant any of the things he said, even before Dan realized it himself.

And as these things go, there was a turning point. They were usually vague and indistinguishable, blurring into a jumble of events that held significance. But Dan Howell could pinpoint the exact moment when things began to fall apart in his hands.  

It began at the end of an English class one morning. Phil had stolen the hard copy of his schedule out of his bag and was mischievously comparing it with his own, sprinting down the hall to prevent Dan from taking it away from him. Dan, exasperated, didn’t even bother chasing after the boy.

“Phil…come back here you twat. Give my timetable back!”

“We need to hang out together, we can’t just keep meeting up in class like this!” The boy yelled as he grinned from across the hall, people turning to stare.

In any case, Phil discovered (with a cry of happiness) that they both had a free period, and as Dan had mention Chris was away today, Phil insisted that they spent it together. Jumping at the chance, the Phil eagerly pulled the Dan out of the hall to go to brunch with him at some place near the school.

 

“You know, I get that we can leave school during breaks and stuff now that we are seniors, but I’ve never actually done it.” Dan commented as Phil finally settled on a place to eat.

Phil’s face scrunched up in confusion. “What else is there to do though.”

“ummm... I go to the library to study, you know, like most other students.”

Phil reached out and flicked Dan’s nose before he could stop him. “That’s for boring people. I, on the other hand, like to waste my money on food that I don’t really need.”

Before Dan could get another word in Phil quickly picked up a menu and hid behind it, shielding his face from Dan’s glare. “We should probably order, shouldn’t we?”

Turns out Phil was just as indecisive about what he was going to get as he was about choosing where to go, and was still pondering this decision long after Dan had chosen. After trying to hurry Phil along to no avail, Dan resigned himself to staring out the window at the people walking by. His gaze flicked lazily from person to person, but eventually settled on two people.

They were familiar, and he slowly realised they were in his year. He had never talked to them and they weren’t in any of the same classes, which is why it took a second to recognise them. He didn’t realise he was staring until one of the girls caught his eye. Before he could even turn away she was already whispering to her friend, but when they turned back he realised that they were looking a Phil, not him. He watched them walk down the street.

“Doesn’t it ever bother you.” Dan suddenly blurted, setting his menu down. “What people think?”

Phil looked up, blue eyes wide in surprise at the question.

“Why on earth would it bother me?” He asked.

Dan looked at Phil incredulously. “Well, I don’t know, maybe because you’re basically famous at school and you’re hanging out with a loser like me?” He said sarcastically. “Besides, doesn’t this seem kind of like a…” Dan gestured to themselves and their table.

But Phil didn’t clue in. “Like a what?”

Dan sighed “forget it, I’m being stupid.”

_‘Maybe because you’re basically fucking famous in school and you’re hanging out with a loser like me and this seems kind of like a date. And I’m gay. And...well… your pan.’_ he finished in his head. But he decided to ask something different.

“But how do you know so many people anyways?” Dan paused.

“And in any case, you’re telling me nobody’s ever given you shit for the way you act? When I met you, you annoyed the hell out of me. I mean, people seem to love you, but someone’s bound to hate you for…who you are.”

Phil smiled brightly. “Of course someone out there hates me, but I figure I should be able to do whatever I want with my own life, yeah?” He waved a waiter over and quickly ordered.

“Besides, I don’t have many  _real_ friends,” the boy emphasized to Dan. “And I don’t make any promises to anyone. In return, nobody should have to expect anything from me, and I’m alright with that. Not that many people claim to really know me, and who cares about whatever other people think about me, or claim to know. I’m sure you’ve heard the rumours.” His blue eyes were now ablaze.

Yeah, the rumors. Dan's heard a lot of those, interjected amidst all of his popularity – Phil Lester is a dumbass who only aces his exams because he takes it up the ass from his teachers. Phil Lester fucks all his friends and then leaves them in the trash; don't get close to him. Phil Lester hasn't had a sober thought in five years. Phil Lester probably has AIDS from how many people he's screwed. 

For every positive whisper, Dan has heard at least two that basically shat all over his reputation. But Phil didn't seem fazed by any of it.

“I just do what I do. And for the record, Dan, I think you’re pretty great. Don’t you dare call yourself a loser in front of me again,” Phil commanded, arms folded.

Dan was taken aback at how serious the boy had abruptly gotten. “That’s fair, I guess,” he managed to mumble as he looked down at the plate of food being served to him.  

When Dan looked back up, he looked like he was back to normal.

“Good," Phil said, pleased.

The heavy mood lifted as the default cheery smile made its way back onto Phil’s face, quickly falling back into his usual mood and weird comments. When it was time to go Phil quickly skipping over to extend his pale arms to pull Dan into a hug. He smelled faintly of vanilla with a hint of musk, Dan vaguely noted this in the back of his mind, inhaling as he subconsciously hugged back.

“I mean it, this was great, let’s do it again sometime, yeah?” Phil grinned widely at Dan reciprocating. He released the other boy and straightened himself back up. And with that, he grabbed Dan’s wrist and dragged him back towards school.

“jeez Phil, relax, you almost pulled my arm off why are you in such a rush?”

Phil turned to grin at Dan sheepishly “Because class started five minutes ago.”

“God damn it, Phil! If you hadn’t taken so long to choose-”

Dan’s exclamation was lost in Phil’s laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, I'm sorry this is rushed and short but it's been awhile and I wanted to get something out.


	13. chapter 12

“And this assignment will be a group assignment!” announced Mr Kolter to a class that clearly did not reflect the enthusiasm that their teacher was currently presenting. To be fair, it was the first class of the day and Dan knew for a fact that him, along with many other of his classmates, had been cramming for the approaching math exam. The effects of this late night studying where glaringly obvious upon looking around the room; some were staring out the window or at a wall, eyes glazed over like they weren’t actually processing what they were seeing, some students were just slumped over, with their head in their arms, and some students were cradling a cup of coffee like it was their lifeline. Little to Dan’s surprise, Phil was one of the latter, the coffee giving him an almost delirious buzz that showed through the tap of his foot or the flick of his pen. The same pen that was now poking his arm with keen determination.

 

“This is perfect Dan!” Phil exclaimed quietly, positivity radiating from him drastically contrasting the overall mood of the room. Dan had to give it to him, no amount of coffee could make him that energised.

 

“I’m not following” unlike Phil’s, Dan’s brain was still waking up.

 

“The assignment, it’s perfect. Everybody knows that Mr. Kolter lets you choose your groups.”

 

When Dan’s face remained blank he elaborated. “It gives us a chance to hang out after school you nerd” Phil explained, grinning as he watched the realisation wash over Dan’s face.

 

Dan, ready to point out that yeah, it did give them a chance to hang out, but that time would be spent doing the assignment, felt the words die in his mouth. Phil’s grin was infectious and his blue eyes wide and overwhelmed with glee, and it wasn’t long until Dan felt a grin creep onto his face. Yeah, it’s an assignment, but Dan guessed he was right. Besides, they had only hung out together a couple times in their free periods, but that was only for fifty minutes and rarely happened as their free periods hardly ever overlapped. It would be good for Dan to get to know the only other friend he has besides Chris. Dan’s mind ground to a halt for a second. It was still weird to think of Phil as a friend when a month ago he had hated his guts.

 

“Yeah, I guess it is,” Dan said, smiling back at Phil. “Better not drag me down though!”

 

The assignment was about Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, and as much as Dan hated the play he had to admit that it was easy to write about. The assignment was fairly straightforward; an individually done hand in essay (thank god) And a group presentation of some sort on how the characters offer a dissenting voice. Seemed easy enough at least by Dan’s standards, and apparently, Phil had to agree. In fact, it turns out when Phil wasn’t doodling in his book or pestering Dan, he actually had some pretty great ideas. Dan was finally understanding why everyone called him a genius despite the drugs, alcohol and partying. By the end of the lesson, they both had a good understanding of what they were going to write about in their essays and what they were doing for the presentation.

 

“Pleeeeease can we do a video Dan, it will be great I swear.” Phil pleaded to Dan as packed away their things.

 

“Are you sure Phil? I mean I sure as fuck don’t know how to film or do any of that, it could end up really bad.”

 

“I have a pretty good idea of the basic stuff and I think we could make it really good!” Phil gushed “And besides, speeches and PowerPoints are so boring and everyone will do them, this might even get us some brownie points with Mr. Kolter.”

 

Dan laughed “God knows we need them, do you see the way he glares at us in class, one day he is going to lose it. I’m holding out hope that my parents decide that they want to skip the parent-teacher night.”

 

Phil shakes his head “Glares at us? He glares at me. He resents me for turning one of his most well-behaved students into a chatter box!”

 

“He’s just got to except that I’m a changed man, a bad boy even.” Dan says, keeping his voice even a possible.

 

“I bad boy you say?” Phil said, drawing out his words and adding some sarcasm in there for good measure, “Hey everybody” Phil began, raising his voice to match the noise of the busy hallway “have any of you heard about how my friend Daniel Howell is a bad bo-”

 

Phil’s exclamation was cut off by a sharp elbow to the ribs and he quickly dissolved into a fit of giggles “Bad boy eh,” He managed through his laughter “Although it seems like you draw the line at raised voices.”

 

Dan, whose anger was quickly melding into amusement (not that we would let it show), gave Phil his most convincing glare. Phil, who saw right through it, could do nothing but laugh harder at the poor attempt to look intimidating.

 

“Wow, you really are a bad boy, that glare could scare the life outta anyone. Almost as intimidating as Mr. Kolter.”

 

Dan felt his glare quickly leave his face to be replaced with a grin “So your saying you think Mr. Kolter is a bad boy?”

 

The look of horror on Phil’s face was comical and Dan wasn’t going to let him get a word in.

 

“Really does sound like it mate. I think you should tell him, I’m sure he would really appreciate it.”

 

Now it was Phil’s turn to give Dan a light shove.

 

“You know what? Strangely enough, I don’t want to stay on this topic anymore, and don’t think I forgot what we were talking about before. So what do you say? Can we do the film?”

 

Dan watches as Phil does his best impression of puppy eyes, but it’s not like he needs to, Dan knew what he was going to say as soon as Phil started asking. He diligently ignored the warm feeling in his chest that he got whenever Phil looked at him.

 

“Fine, but only because I don’t want to speak in front of the class.”

 

“Yes! it’s going to be great I swear!” Phil exclaimed with glee, and with that, he was wrapping his arms arounds Dan for a hug. Dan, who froze for a second, quickly began to move to hug back. This was weird for him, he wasn’t used to this. Chris was his only other real friend, and they had never been the hugging kind, or at least Chris saw Dan’s boundary’s and decided not to push them. And God knows that his parents hadn’t hugged him for a long time. Phil, for all his exuberance, had never really noticed any of the blaring social boundary’s that Dan had. Dan was beginning to realise that maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing.

 

Dan couldn’t help missing the hug as Phil pulled away.

 

“So, can we meet up after school one day?”

 

“I mean yeah sure, but do you want to wait till after the math exam, something tells me that you might not have studied as much as you should have.” Dan suggested.

 

Phil, looking sheepish, feigned innocence “I don’t know what you’re talking about Dan, I’m very put together.”

 

Dan snickers “Yeah, cause your perpetually empty note book speaks volumes to that.”

 

Phil giggles again and Dan ignores the warm feeling in his chest again. “Yeah yeah, whatever Mr fancy words, how about Thursday? And your house or mine?”

 

Dan freezes for a second. He forgot that a group assignment meant meeting up outside of school, and there was no way in hell he was letting his parents talk to Phil. He finally felt like he was making a new friend and he wasn’t about to let his parents jeopardise that.

 

“Yeah Thursday sounds good, and, um… can we do it at your house?”

 

“Yeah sure, sounds good!”

 

Dan’s too busy trying not to outwardly show his relief that he misses the nervous in Phil’s eyes. In fact, he still doesn’t notice it as they reach Dan’s next class and say goodbye. 

 

 ----

Martyn watches with fascination from the door as Phil rushed around his room, putting clothes in his cupboard, the paper scattered around his room onto his desk and empty beer bottles into the bin. Martyn has seen many versions of Phil; happy Phil, drunk Phil, depressed Phil, sad Phil, but never has he once see this Phil. This Phil was scrambling around his room in a desperate attempt to make it look presentable, like he was trying to _impress_ someone. And that honestly scared Martyn. Phil had always had this wall up around him. He hardly ever invited anyone around, like ever. He hadn’t done it in a long time and certainly not since he moved. This was so left field and Martyn couldn’t possible guess why, or for who, was this different. This was huge, this meant Phil was going to show a part of him that he clearly hadn’t been planning on anyone seeing.

_‘Or at least an edited version.’_ Martyn thought as Phil grabbed another empty bottle of something from the floor.

“Hey, slow down little bro.”

Phil spun around in a heartbeat, with an expressing you would normally see on a kid sneaking out and not one cleaning his room.

“Since when have you been there!” Phil exclaimed, sounding very affronted.

“I heard the sound of papers being picked up and I thought you might have lost your mind.”

Phil just rolled his eyes and continued to clean his room, although at a considerably slower pace “It’s not important, a friend should be coming over soon and I thought I should make the room at least a bit presentable.”

Martyn raised his eyebrows as he looked at the near-spotless room. This didn’t look just “a bit” presentable but he chose not to comment on it. “So, you have a friend coming over and you decide not to share it with the rest of the house until now.”

Phil tried to shrug casually, but it came off as more of a jutted movement compared to what he was probably going for. “It’s no big deal.”

Martyn tilted his head and sighed, “I mean it clearly is.” Martyn watched as his brother went to defend himself, but he interrupts him before he could. “And if your trying to hide your bad habits then you probably should air the room a bit, cause I’m guessing you carelessly decided to smoke some weed in here to calm your nerves, weed which, by the way, was a waste of your money as it clearly didn’t do its job and now the whole room just smells like pot.”

Martyn winces as Phil’s face goes bright red. He really didn’t mean for that to sound so harsh. Phil must be particularly venerable right now because he wasn’t even trying to hide how he feels, emotions written all over his face as clear as day. “Hey, look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound that harsh, I’m just pissed that you didn’t tell me earlier, I would have cooked a nice dinner or something.”

“No, its fine I deserve it, and you don’t have to do anything, it’s not like it’s a big deal.” Phil says with a smile, but if that isn’t the fakest smile Martyn had ever seen then he didn’t know what is. That smile takes “doesn’t reach his eyes” to a whole new level.

“Look I’m going to be honest with you Phil, I’m kind of getting the feeling like this is important to you. I mean you haven’t had anyone over for as long as I remember, you have always kept family and friends separate.”

As Martyn watches Phil fidget under the gaze of his older brother, he realises that he has probably pushed too much. There was no way in hell that Phil was going to answer that, even if it seems like he is making some progress. He is about to tell Phil not to worry about it when Phil starts to speak.

“It really is no big deal, it’s just a friend from my English class that’s coming over to work on an assignment, but… I don’t know… I guess I don’t what him to know what a compete fuck up I am just yet.” 

Martyn stood there in a stunned silence. Shit, he was not prepared for this, a part of him clearly didn’t think Phil would tell him the truth because he had no idea what to say. Martyn rushed over to where Phil was seated on his bed and sat down next to him.

“Shit… I’m sorry I didn’t mean to push you. I… you’re not a fuck up, he isn’t going to think that.” Martyn rushed “I’m serious! Look, just go have a quick shower and I’ll see what I can do with this room. It will be fine, like you said, no big deal.”

Phil paused “What about the rest of the room? I haven’t finished cleaning.”

Martyn laughed out loud “I think you have done enough, if this room is any cleaner he is going to think you’re a robot.” Martyn grinned when he saw that he managed to get a smile out of Phil.

“Hey, who is your friend anyway.” Martyn asked, part of him wanting to know who Phil deemed trustworthy enough to invite over.

“Dan. He is in my English class, you might have seen him once or twice.”

To busy trying to remember the boy, Martyn managed to miss the ‘I don’t want to talk about this’ tone and the slightly nervous look on his brothers face. “What’s he look like?”

“Tall, like me I guess. Brown hair, slightly tanned.” Phil answered, trying to keep his voice even, carefully watching Martyn as the gears in his brain spun and as his face morphed into a look of realisation.

“Wait, the guy outside of the café that time! I thought you didn’t like him?” Martyn exclaimed as he tensed up. The boy at the café had really messed Phil up and Martyn couldn’t help but feel a slight anger towards this Dan.

Phil rolled his eyes at Martyn’s hostility. Dan had done nothing wrong, it was him who had messed up. “It was a misunderstanding, we are fine now. And it’s just for an assignment, we are making a video to present to the class!”

Martyn smiled and Phil’s excitement about making a video but pressed on “If your just making a video then why can’t you do it at his house? Not that I mind, but I feel like it would have saved you a lot of stress.”

Phil shrugged again and smiled, the previous anxiety and stress expertly masked behind it, and Martyn new that he was probably not going to get much more from him now.

“When I asked him where he wanted to do it he looked really nervous, so when he asked to do it at our house I said sure.”

Martyn nodded thoughtfully, but still held some hesitation in his voice. “That’s nice of you, so when will he be over?”

“In about twenty minutes, he said he needed to go home for a bit after school but then he would be over soon.”

“All right then.” Martyn sighed as he got off the bed “You have a shower and I’m going to figure out how to get rid of the smell, ok. And for god’s sake don’t smoke in the house again, I would rather you not smoke at all but we all know that’s never going to happen.”

Phil grinned sheepishly at him “Yeah, I know, that was bad of me,” apologising as he darted away towards the bathroom. Martyn sighed deeply, ignoring the feeling of dread in his gut and praying that everything would go smoothly.

 

 

Thirty minutes later there is a knock on the door. Martyn, who had “incidentally” been closest at the time, made it there first with the distressed cries of Phil chasing after him. Upon opening the door, he was met with the sight of a very wide-eyed Dan. Despite only seeing him briefly, Martyn could tell that he looked different then the last time he had seen him. He was dressed in casual clothes: black skinny jeans and an oversized black and white striped Jumper. His hair was also beginning to curl due to the rain, and Martyn presumed that the redness of his cheeks and the heaviness of his breaths had something to do with having to outrun the bad weather. Martyn had to admit that he lacked the “Im trouble” vibes that he had expected him to have. Dan was the first to talk.

“H---hi, you must be Phil’s brother.” Dan said quietly, stumbling over his words and still out of breath.

Martyn was stunned for a second, surprised Phil had even told Dan anything about his family, and possibly about his living situation as Dan didn’t seem surprised when it was him and not Phil’s parents who answered the door. “Yeah, that’s me. Guessing your looking for Phil, right? You guys are working on an assignment?”

Dan had opened his mouth to answer when a voice from behind Martyn rung out. “Yeah, an assignment, like I said the first five times.” Phil said as he came to stand next to Martyn, giving him a sharp elbowing as he did so. He watched Dan’s face break out in a smile as Phil came to his rescue, and then noticed that Phil was sporting the same smile.

_‘Maybe there is nothing to worry about.’_ Martyn thought optimistically as he watched Phil happily lead his guest to his room. Maybe Martyn had just been over-reacting and this Dan was no problem at all.

\---

Dan spun slowly has he entered Phil’s room. It was simultaneously exactly what he thought it would look like and nothing like he thought it would be like. He hadn’t been sure which side of Phil he would see in the room; the party Phil who like to mess around with girls, drink and smoke or the other side of Phil, where he was happy and bright like the sun and was enthusiastic about whatever he was passionate about. Dan was pleasantly surprised to find that was a mix of both and somehow more Phil then he could have ever imagined. There was the usual stuff, album posters, video games and a messy desk, and the hint of something in the air, which as Dan thought about it he realised was probably weed. But everywhere you looked there was splashes of colour, from his green-blue sheets to books, figurines and the occasional stuffed toy on shelves, and the surprisingly large amount of house plants that were scattered among his other belongings. Dan grinned

“You’re an absolute nerd.” Dan said fondly, not bothering to turn around in favour of further exploring the room, and missing how Phil’s face morphed from anxiousness to his usual exuberance at the comment.  

Dan approached a pot plant that looked like it needed some watering. “How many of these plants have died under your watch?”

Dan laughed as he watched a very affronted looking Phil stammer out a defence. “I take great care of them, thank you very much! Just sometimes they… have a bit of a hard time, for some reason.”

“Could that reason have something to do with you forgetting to water them?”

“No!...Maybe?”

Dan rolled his eyes but smiled “Do you need me to text you to remind you to water your plants?”

“I’ll be fine, you have no faith in me.”

They spend a couple more minutes talking before settling down to work on their assignment, as it was, after all, the reason Dan’s parents had let him even come. Dan was surprised by how well they worked together. He had always been someone who preferred to do things like this themselves, and often teachers even allowed him to cause they knew he would be able to put in the work and effort needed to get a good mark all by himself. Normally Dan hated group work as he would get stuck with someone who didn’t give a shit, so he would find himself editing someone else’s half arsed work the night before because he couldn’t afford his parents getting pissed off at a bad mark. Also, because good marks mean more of a chance of him getting into a uni that is far, far away from his overbearing parents.

 But this, this was easy. They worked through how they were going to cover each point, both coming up with some pretty good ideas. It was weird for Dan to sit back and realise, that yeah, that idea is actually better than his. And it didn’t feel awkward at all when either one of them disagreed on something because they would just work around it and compromise, and after an hour of work, they had a solid foundation of what they were doing.

Phil put his pen down and sighed, scanning his room like he was looking for something. “All right, that’s enough, I need a break. How about a game of Mario Cart?”

“Oh, you’re going down.”

And that’s how, as Dan focused on the screen and messing Phil up as much as possible, he had the most fun he had experienced in a long time. The laughter and the banter was enough to make him forget about his parents, the church, school and friendships, and all the other things that had caused him stress lately. Instead, he focused on the warmth he felt as Phil threw down his controller when he lost, or how he poked Dan in the sides to try to distract him. Phil’s anxiety about Dan seeing his room and how he might react was long gone and replaced with a light happiness that made him ignore his phone every time it buzzes with people asking if he was coming to a party or if he wanted to get a drink. It was a break from reality, even if it was only for an hour, and both boys didn’t realise how much they needed it.

\---

Martyn sat on the couch with an arm wrapped around his wife. They were watching something on TV but Martyn had tuned out, instead focusing to the yelling and laughter upstairs. He couldn’t hear exactly what was going on but the random explosions of yelling and swearing told him that it probably wasn’t the assignment, but Martyn couldn’t bring himself to care. Phil sounded happy, and he needed a friend that he could trust, so he stayed where he was, and focused back on the show they were watching with a small smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can't have a high school AU without a group assignment! Damn this chapter was hard to write cause it was basically all dialogue, so sorry if it isn't very good, but I just wanted to get something out. Sorry about the long wait for an update. School got really busy and then when I finally had time to write all my motivation was gone. It didn't help that I had run out of planned chapters and even though I know whats going to happen in this story I was having trouble connecting the dots. But thankfully I finally sat down and worked out where the next couple of chapters are heading, so hopefully, the next couple of updates will come soonish. Anyway, thanks for the patience and I hope you enjoyed the chapter :^)

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! Comments mean a lot to me so feel free!


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